oh yes,

piss off, 2011. and do it quickly. 

i won't recant the year because i'd probably need to be checked into some sort of facility afterwards. i will say that 2011 was a defining year in my life, and unfortunately, for us and those who know us, it will always be remembered as the year when things went from bad to worse. 

worse, people.

but you know what that means, right? it will get better, because it has to! it has already started to be a lovely lead in to the new year with christmas and our anniversary, despite almost everyone we know getting/being sick, including us. A entered me in a drawing for molly bears, to get a "front of the line pass" and i won! i need to get them my info this weekend.

it has been very hard for me to keep from writing here lately. i have considered starting a new blog, leaving this one as a testament to a, j, b & t, the cutest little babies i ever did see. it's hard because wanting to write has to be in a way separate from all of the emotion about the babies. i just want to log on and write: for how i'm feeling, see years 2009-2011. i can't put the same kind of emotional energy into it. im not only getting to know grief anymore, it has moved in and i am sure is here to stay. i have a lot of the same feelings, but now it is easier to deal with them with a momentary cry or pity party and move the eff on. otherwise, as referenced above, im not sure i could function on a daily or independent basis. i am grieving but i am also working so hard to live a great life at the same time. i both need and strive to find the happiness in every moment. it is a choice to greet each day with positivity, and i can't tell you how hard it is some days. but i will continue to do it, until it is no longer a choice. in the new year, i plan to write more, so i need to decide if that will be here or somewhere else.

some of you will remember my hairdresser, (and forgive me for not linking with tears in my eyes. there are posts here that mention how she lost her little one to sids) well, i haven't been able to go and see her yet. b & t were born in june and i haven't been back to her. i could not take her call when i lost the babies. we cry almost every time we get together anyway, which was cathartic then. what would it be now?  i don't even know how i can keep my composure to speak to her because when i think of us together and me telling her about what happened, i break down every time. but i miss her, and i know that as hard as it will be for me, and maybe her, i need to see her soon. must gather strength.

i hope everyone is well, sending wishes for a safe holiday and an amazing new year!