so my state of mind has been mostly pleasant, peppered with the unavoidable lightening bolts of pain and some pouty moments thrown in for good measure. mostly, though? ive been busy. blissfully busy. by the end of the day my brain is too mushy to think. it's wonderful.
can you have pre-traumatic stress? because i am worried about how ill be on christmas. thanksgiving was tough this year. overall it was a good and happy day, most are! but there are 2 more we expected here this year and again here we sit, empty handed.
anyway, ive found that overall the more I dread a date, the better the day turns out to be. im hoping this is the case because I need a little holiday this year!
we haven't done too much to the house this week as T was sick, and the next couple steps are things he has to do. can't wait to get back into it this weekend.
thanks for hanging in here with me. i wish i could be more present here and on other's posts as well but i am still in the brain sludge period of grief, gosh it's taken me ten minutes to write this paragraph because i don't know how to explain it. it's all too emotional for me to get involved, good or bad stories. i just feel like i have enough of every kind of emotion right now, if that makes sense. i don't have the capacity for any more sadness, that's for sure, and i don't have the energy to give the support for the happy or really follow anyone's story right now. makes me feel crappy but it is what it is. so thats where I am right now. but im happy 98% of the time and I'm keeping my head together, so something's working. i miss you guys though, and I try to check in when I can (twice this week!) ill be back full time in the new year im sure. 2012 holds many possibilities., right?
19 comments:
Hang in there. I think you are doing a fantastic job. This is all hard. Be gentle with yourself. I'm glad you are happy 98% of the time!
Don't you worry about a thing...leave the worrying to us followers! And yes...2012...a fresh start. You are in my prayers and thoughts as always. Enjoy your time with T as much as you can.
I was glad to log on this evening and see your post. I am glad that you are unplugging and dealing with you right now. We all need to do that from time to time. Take your time... I will be here when you come back full force! I too hope that 2012 is a better year for us all!
The best thing about this community is that it's always here. Do what you need to do, feel what you need to feel, no obligations at all.
I'm glad things are getting a bit better. *hugs*
Girl, you have got to focus on you! Sometimes all you need is time to not think, time to let your emotions go numb. I think it is healing in a way. You could not survive if all you did was focus on those feelings; they would be too overwhelming. I hope you have a wonderful December and 2012 WILL be BETTER! Anyway, I hope my ramblings aren't annoying. Just want you to know that out there is a woman thinking of you and wishing she could do more, because she knows the pain too and remembers how one little comment could make it feel better for just a moment.
Sounds like you are doing great. I do think if you dread a day because of grief often the actual day turns out to be no big deal. Hoping for so much happiness for you in 2012!
I so get this. The mushy phase of grief. Mostly ok, sometimes really not. Never when you expect it. But good days starting to seep in. Hang in there. Take each day. Nurse T back to health so you can enjoy the holidays as best you can, in whatever ways feel right at that moment.
I'm always so glad when I see a new post, because I love hearing from you. You do whatever the hell you need to do and don't worry about explaining anything to anyone. I am constantly amazed by your strength, and pissed off at all that you have been through, and that your four beautiful babies aren't here. I'm just a stranger but I think of you often (and not in a creepy way, I promise!).
2012 does hold many possibilies! And hearing you are happy 98% of the time makes my heart sing for you :)
I'm always glad to see your posts, however infrequent they may be. So glad to hear about the 98% :)
Awwww hon. I'm glad to see that even if you're not around here, you're doing well. Or at least well-ish. I'm sure having T home is wonderful for you, and you'll find your way back here when you're good and ready. We love you no matter what :)
I always love seeing a new post from you, and I am always amazed at how you can write. I am so glad that you are busy and are able to be with your husband. Hang in there! I am always thinking of you guys!
Don't worry about us - we'll be here when you're ready. I also pre-dread dates and holidays and I do think it helps me in the end. Glad you're having good days, though!
Glad to hear from you :). Getting away from the internets can be a good thing for a little while...no worries, we all understand!
Take all the time you need ((hugs))
Sometimes keeping your head together is the best you can do. I think that considering what you have been dealing with, you are doing a great job.
Hey! I gave you an award on my blog today! :)
I nominated you for a blog award on my blog today...don't feel obligated to pass it on...just know you are appreciated! :)
Just keep going m'dear. One foot in front of the other, remembering to breathe. If you carrying on hoping and trying (not necessarily for a baby, but just for peace and joy in your life), then my hunch is you get there in the end.
By the way, I get a huge amount of hits to my blog from your site... I can only conclude this is a very busy place.
Sending you lots of love x
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