T and me

my husband is sleeping quietly next to me on fresh flannel sheets. he has been telling me how awesome i smell all evening-first time around a girl in a while :) i smiled when i saw him but cried when he held me. it has been rough for us, these past two years. that was a huge understatement im just too tired to fix. it's true, we haven't exactly been on an upswing. i like to think all we've lived through together has made us be more gentle with each other. i am really looking forward to our time together. i love him so. and he's here. finally. 

ive been hard on myself about not writing, here or otherwise. it's how i check in with myself, how i always have. things are just so different now that some days, really, the last thing i want to do is check in and see how im feeling. emotionally, the days have been tear free and acceptance has been rearing its nearly insufferable head. i know i should welcome it, but it just doesn't feel right if i don't use all my extra energy to rail against it.

truth is, i don't and haven't had time for much at all. the summer started with the failure of the cervix of doom and just kinda continued to fall apart from there on out. today, ive been fever free for two weeks straight. i am just starting to shake the shocks of fear i felt going to sleep each night wondering if the next morning held another ambulance ride. my body and mind have been on high alert for so long i don't even flinch at bad news anymore. i expect it. i hope i haven't seemed too hardened to those who have told me anything requiring empathy in the past few months. i certainly haven't had any for anyone but myself. im okay with being selfish right now, i need to get better. i am trying all sorts of things to get 'there' and to protect my body (and my heart) in the future. 

pregnancy? don't want to think about it. don't really even want to talk about it (unless you want to talk about my babies and how freaking adorable i was when preg with them, then im game). im kind of at the point now where im accepting that whole situation too, i mean ive never been one to be too resentful or jealous of fertile people. i know so many people who struggle with infertility do, but im way too self involved to worry about what others are doing most of the time. also, im a realist, i know that even if you are a fertile person it doesn't mean your life is all fucking chocolate bars and cocaine. we all deal with shit. and this body? is my shit. ive had a long while to get used to its limitations. i expect it to fail and miserably with any attempt at normalcy. i think building my faith back up in my body is something that will be an ongoing project for an unforeseen amount of time. 

i finally went back to work yesterday. thank goodness my brain works as well as it does. im surprising myself that evern with grief brain im doing so well. i love my job because most days i learn something new. like today i learned about atelectasis, HAART and what criterion is used to determine when one has gone from being a person who is hiv+ to a person with aids. im sure i learned more, but these were the interesting parts, to me anyway. 

right now i am concentrating on what makes me happy. gathering tidbits of information: yes, spending time with my husband who just got home today: YES!, getting said husband to take me to all the museum exhibits i want to see and going wherever he wants in return: yes yes yes please. talk of ivf, pregnancy: nope. adoption? okay im listening, but anything concerning this body or this uterus? you lost me.

right now, im just so freaking sick of talking about my vagina you guys. ive had enough. i keep telling myself there will be a day when it all doesn't matter anymore. for the time being, and for my sanity, im just going to pretend that's now.