trypanophobia

when i was a little girl there was nothing that could change my mood faster than hearing that i was going to have to get a shot or give blood.

i didn't have a stock reaction though, no, i liked to keep my mother on her toes. sometimes i would hold my breath to the point of almost turning blue, sometimes i would cry and scream and rail until i realized that nobody gave a crap and id better get my shit together so i could be done with it.

sometimes i would laugh, hysterical, maniacal laughter. i was kind of a weird kid.

well into my 20's i would request a butterfly needle, the better to pierce my tender flesh with. i would wince, lose a few tears and get over it.

then one day things changed for me, and i realized that in the grand scheme of things, a  needle wasn't the worst thing in the world, no, at that point the list-topper was getting re-catheterized for the fourth day in a row i wasn't able to pee by myself. (come to think of it, that did suck pretty bad, im cringing just thinking about it). one day i will write a post about my arch nemesis, the foley catheter but today is not that day.

another thing happened around the same time as my first surgery. my uncle, who had lost a kidney to cancer when i was younger, lost 3/4 of his remaining kidney to recurrent cancer. he ended up going to dialysis 3 nights a week for 4 hours at a time. he had a shunt placed in his vein to ease the process. he went through the worst of the worst, and it wasn't even about the cancer or the operation anymore. he was tired, he was sick, he was dying right in front of us.

it was then that i realized the real weight that the choice of organ donation carries. i urged anyone who would listen to check the little box on their driver's license, disputed them when they told me that would lead to a quicker demise, in the case that they were injured. my sister, the loveliest person you could meet, offered demanded that he take one of her kidneys. he refused, just as adamantly. we waited. and as we waited we talked. when he was put on the list, there was a rekindling of hope, and he said yes, he was hopeful but he would never forget what would have to happen before he would receive a kidney. before his chance even came, he was thinking of the inevitable day when someone would lose their loved one, so that he could be saved.

one day my uncle got his kidney. he is a little worse for the wear, but he is alive.

i have had 2 operations since the big one. being in the hospital sucks fat ass monkey balls even if you aren't losing your kids, it BLOWS. 

last week, after a particularly heartfelt boston/med, i got to thinking about what i could do to help. my fear of needles is all but gone now, what with all the surgeries and fertility crap. i wanted to help and i thought that i should go ahead and donate some blood. i am a universal donor, and the thought that my blood may end up in a NICU, saving a baby's life just made me feel purposeful for a moment.

i did a search and came up with this page on the red/cross site. i could have been that person, searching for how to get over my fear of needles, had i not been crash course acclimated, watched my uncle live with a tube in his arm, seen people fling themselves off buildings (random and unrelated to topic, but always my go-to "at-least-im-not-them" thought during something unpleasant). and nope, i didn't forget the self and assisted jabbing. oh, the never-ending jabbing.

being scared of needles just isn't something i could hold onto after all of that.

long(er) story short, it hit me all at once: hey dumbass, you can't donate blood, platelets or any other product right now. its true, and that makes me sad. after my beta draw on july 5, i woke up at 3 am with searing arm pain. i took off from work the next day and went to the doctor. lis, besides the blood draws, have you had an IV in that vein lately? fuck, yeah, i did. phlebitis. overuse of my veins.

one of the few reasons we are waiting until october to try again.

so no, i don't have renal failure (or renal absence, as it were) i never had to choose between burning to death and jumping off a skyscraper. but my body has been through a lot, and i don't even allow myself to think about the possible long-term damage the hormones are causing.  

my little veins are collapsing under their thick layers of scar tissue. 

i can't even give blood to help others.

im not that little girl with trypanophobia anymore. nope, ive got much scarier monsters under my bed. 

my life has been consumed by an extremely selfish desire and goal. but that's only for now. i hope i come out of it with my health, and am healthy enough to give help where it is needed.

one day.

support

i have a post that ive been ruminating on for a few days now, nothing too exciting, just updates and whatnot. things that have happened since the BFN...im just trying to convince myself that it isn't too boring to post!

im doing better, happier, more peaceful. mostly blue skies with scattered showers and the occasional severe thunderstorm. last night was a stormy one :o(

please throw some hugs and support towards Single Infertile Female. she got a BFN today after her first IVF (though she did donate her eggs twice when she was younger), she was so hopeful and sure that she was pregnant and really, so was i.

i hate to see it end like this for her.

im doing better, but ill never forget the sting of failure. thinking of her and anyone who knows that hurricane of pain tonight.

chances are

i woke up mid-dream a couple mornings ago. i was having a conversation with a friend who was upset that she got her period and wasn't pregnant that month. that part is a little hazy, and i definitely don't recall anything before then. i was in a really deep sleep.

but somehow as i was being pulled out of my slumber by the alarm, i heard myself say loud and clear,  but you can try again next month. 

and she can

who knows if she even is trying for a second child, that's not really the part that gave me pause. certainly in real life i would have been sympathetic and offered some encouragement! in my dream though, i spoke only the patent truth - she could try every month if she wanted to. and not just her! no so many others are spending money and time and taking this or putting something on or in or pulling that out to avoid what so many of us long for.

just a chance

my husband and i have been married for almost three years, trying for more than four.

my husband and i have had three chances at pregnancy

3

i am not counting IUI as i knew my very constitution negates the process. if eggs were able to get where they needed to be, we would have been successful by then. they were not chances. i did not wait two week's time in hope and excitement until it was time to pee on a stick. i submitted because that's the way this game is played. ok MR. RE, here ya go, take your best shot. Clomid? sure, you know what? ILL TAKE DOUBLE. nice try.

three. chances.

but so much hope besides. i read recently on cdg's blog where she spoke about the early months being the hardest. back when we thought it really could work! this is the month! and it never did, and it never was.

i think those early disappointments are akin to a failed assisted cycle every month. because you were not only mourning another lost month, wondering how many more you would suffer, but you were so confused with feelings of hope, maybe next month and fear it might not work next month either.

because your body didn't work and you didn't know why. you felt betrayed by something, but not entirely sure what. possibly everything you had ever held certain. this murky, scary place leads to an unknown sorrow, the depths of which almost no one understands. thank god above for those who do.

but you know what? i am ever grateful for the chances T and i have created for ourselves. that's how it works, you know, on this side of the great divide. we make our chances happen, so they are even more precious in the end.

i was driving through the portion of my city that i would never want to live in yesterday, looking around and as always, feeling lucky for my life and my health. i wound up, as per usual, worrying for those inside the too-small houses on dirty streets. i wondered if any of them were sick, needed medicine or care. wondered about the girl who goes to work her minimum wage/no benefits job every day and tries, with her husband, every month. will she ever get her chance? or will she live forever with the post script she could never have children, you know following her name.

maybe if she just had a chance?

so it is my goal to start being more positive about my chance. some still remain, and even if they don't produce the results i so long for, i will remember those who went without and i will choose to be grateful.

9 months

36 weeks to the day that they were here and gone

the time it should have taken for them to grow big and healthy

that's how long it has been since my girls were in my arms, in T's

time just keeps moving along, or is it slowing down? i can't tell. i don't care.

now that Ayla and Juliet are gone i find that i worry much less (and more, but right now let's focus on the less). im just not as concerned with other people's issues as i used to be. the complaint box is full folks, and i stuffed it myself.

late for work? eh no problem

you don't like me? cool, im not real fond of you anyway

think im a bitch? awesome, one less person i have to smile at and pretend to

truly, unless you are in the friends and family category, i really don't want to hear your shit. im kinda over it.

this new attitude, bristly as it may sound, isn't entirely so. to completely understand you would have to have known me before this tragedy, before my world crumbled before my eyes and i sorted through and saw that only pieces of it were worth gluing back together.

you would have to have known what an open, understanding person i was, maybe the most empathetic you could imagine. as it would happen those traits happen to go hand in hand with a lovely naivete, a level of comfort with knowing everyone else's feelings. i was sweet and i was happy. some might say i was too nice, too willing to go out of my way for others. that poor girl had no idea what was coming her way.

im not saying that im all bad and mean now, i just have cut the corners. i certainly haven't changed all of my personality, but i am a little harder, a little less accommodating. im not a doormat. i don't have room in my heart for everyone's troubles. i can't bear to think of the issues of all who cross my path. i would seriously lose my mind, or what's left of it.

i am trying to come back to a place of peace, to love what memories are left of my girls and my pregnancy with them. my brain (smart thing) has only let me keep a precious few. i went through months of mind-numbing grief and there were nights days when i couldn't spell, couldn't get through a sentence without errors in every word. there were moments when i couldn't speak, for the lack of words in my recall. when someone would remind me of a shared story and i had no clue what they were talking about. the way i don't remember the winter, save that one snowy day we took lukey out in the snow.

there must be some bioemotional reason that i went through those stages, that so many of us have. i know that many of you have too. my brain has blotted some of those terrible moments and months of grief after away like a tissue on a tear.

unfortunately, it has smudged some of the other times away, the happy times. all that i'd like to remember. maybe my brain knows something that my heart doesn't. maybe one day it will all come back to me, when i am able to process more of what this body has been through, and what that has done to my soul.

maybe

but i will never be the same

built in birth control...

oh, yes, you read that right peeps. one extra mode of birth control wasn't enough! can't be too careful these days, ladies! T and i are in no position to be all bogged down with rugrats right now, i mean, think of the economy!

hahaha

now that i've gotten that out of my system, i'll tell ya, i actually asked for that shit up there. *hangs head*

that is exactly how scared i am of something happening to lefty. i think she needs a break, and since we won't be cycling again til october :o(, i thought we may as well give the ol girl a break.

now, my RE office doesn't do down-regulation of any kind. and you KNOW i couldn't make this monumental decision without the prescription from the doctor approximately exactly 8 billion questions running through my mind that i don't want to call back and ask them.

so i ask you, if i take the pill until i cycle again, how does that affect antral follicle production? i will stop taking the bcps in september if that will hold lefty back from an oct cycle.

of course, i could wait and ask at my aug 30 appt, but that would require patience, of which i have none.


case in point, i need to go tend to my potatoes which are now boiling over on the stovetop. thanks in advance.!

its thursday

how about a tasty?

i made a whole (organic, i know, still sorry, ashley) in my crockpot! i just tossed it in there this morning with salt and pepper and parsley, no liquid and put it on low. this is what it looked like after 10 hours. i dunno, i feel like it needs a lil time under the broiler? i will probably make stock with the bones and juices later. i hope it tastes good - it was too easy!

*****************************************

we saw our lawyer last night to get some of our affairs in order. yes, T may be going away for a long time. no, it's not jail and no, im not ready to talk about it yet. but we had some papers drafted up. power of attorney for me, advanced health directives for both of us. (resuscitate! please!) 

our lawyer is my mom's very good friend, so i knew a little of his background. namely that he is an adoptive parent, and that his first adopted child died of a brain tumor aged one or two years old. of course i was so ingrained in what we were talking about last night, ( which was some pretty heavy stuff) that i totally forgot all of this when i asked him to recommend a good adoption lawyer. he did and then went on to give us some insight into the agency we plan to use, having been through it twice. 

he spoke of his son and how it took five years for them to bring him home. this was more than 15 years ago so i am hoping for a shorter timeline, but who knows. he said that they never would have gone back to adopt again if they hadn't lost him. 

he said that when your child dies you don't just stop being parents.

he said that they wouldn't have tried for another adoption because they wouldn't have wanted to be greedy and would have wanted to give another couple a chance. 

that's pretty classy, man.
 

**************************************

next on the list is getting our IVF consents notarized so that i can do a fresh cycle (or eight) while T is possibly away. the lawyer did sign them but stamped only, and the RE's office said NO WAY is that acceptable, which i think is kind of dumb, but whatever. 

i have an OB appt with a new doctor august 23. i plan to pick her brain my possible pregnancy after loss, and how the eff she plans to keep me that way. i plan to get a god damn pap smear which i hate but need for IVF. crap.

i made my WHAT THE FUCKING HELL appointment for august 30. first appointment of the day, baby, that's how i roll.

i want to cycle in october, barring any issues with my pap (would be just like my cervix to act up now).

my girls were born in october. my original plan, after freakingout ten days after i had them and calling the RE for an immediate cycle date, was to wait a year, in their honor.

so we will be going kinda sorta back to plan A. 

plan B sucked balls.

i hope it works

hope

hope

hope

it works 

ps: my IRL friend is pregnant (!) after her 8th injection cycle/1st IVF say a lil prayer for her, would ya?

i won't lie and say it didn't sting a little bit, but not because im not happy for her, i am extremely so! 

it actually has nothing to do with her. it's just that my brain is jealous of pregnancy, i can be reading a book and hear one of those commercial disclaimers "do not take if you are or plan to become pregnant" from a mile away *sigh* i know from the comments on my last post that you guys get it...and i reeeaaaallly can't wait for her and her awesome hubby to have their baby. i hope they get to know and hold the joy of parenthood.

bits and pieces

i haven't been able to formulate a whole post on anything, but thoughts keep rolling through my head like waves, things i want to say, thoughts i want to keep and thoughts i want to banish forever.

its so strange how the fabric of my life has come to be woven with such anguish and so much love. if this is strength, i will pray for weakness.

some of the fleeting thoughts:

i love that i can have a whole conversation with my brother about IF and he understands every word, though i don't love the reasons why our conversation comes with ease.

we went to dinner with T's parents and 2 of our nieces and our nephew on sunday. towards the end of the meal i realized why everyone at the other tables was smiling at us, at me.

we have been talking about baby/child names a lot lately. we loved our girl's names so very much and never thought we'd find another name we feel that strongly about. we did, a girls name, and shared it with T's mom. turns out it is his grandmother's middle name and maybe we will be able to give her a namesake someday. i hope she is here to see it.

my birthday is on november 11. for as long as my IF journey has been, i have been telling myself i will be happy if i have my baby by 11/11/11. i used to be confident that i would. im not right now.

im so thankful to have a job that keeps my brain busy. i am able to get to work, log on, and worry about other people's problems all day. 

i wish i had something to keep my mind busy in the car. that's where it all seems to hit me. i just think about the little girls that should be in my backseat, craning to see each other over the sides of their car seats. instead its just me, waiting to feel them in the sunlight.

anyone want to go to lily dale with me?

i made T put the baby and maternity clothes containers upstairs so i don't have to look at them every day. he started to ask why we couldn't leave them downstairs because there is more room down there but by the time he got the last word out, he realized why and he almost dropped the question mark off the end of the sentence.

i want to be able to look at a pregnant woman or baby clothes or items in a store and not make it about me. i want to be able to walk through this world without getting the wind knocked out of me because other people are procreating or need to buy diapers. i wish i knew how. i am trying.

i have an IRL friend who is on her 8th cycle of injectables, her first IVF. she had her first beta today and her clinic (my old RE) won't tell her if she's preg until after thurs blood test! i never heard of such a thing. i am holding hope for her.

we will try IVF again in october, i think. my husband may not be here for my next IVF cycle. i need to think about this and i can't wrap my brain around it. it makes me sad.

i almost went to a baby shower last weekend. it would have been the only one in four years since my childhood best friend's last april. (i made an exception for her. i cried through the whole thing, though more because her mom wasn't there than for myself, though im sure people weren't thinking that). i almost went to this shower because my friend has suffered a miscarriage (we told each other the same day of our pregnancies and her baby's heartbeat was gone the next day at 6.5 wks) and the loss of the twin of the baby she is carrying now. it is sad and fucked up that those horrible things that happened to her made me feel a little bit better about her pregnancy. that makes me feel like a bad, or damaged person. who thinks like that? her horrors make it okay for me to accept her success? and why do i feel okay with people who have succeeded with treatments' pregnancies? like they had to go through hell for me to feel better. i feel like an asshole about that.

anyway, i didn't go. mostly because i had to sit with nana. also because i couldn't. i can't go to baby showers.

please tell me a.) im not alone in feeling these ways and b.) that it eventually gets better

i don't want to live bitter and jealous.

i want to go home.

nyc and after

we had the most lovely time in NYC. we only live about an hour away, but we got a little mixed up on the way to our hotel in SSS thanks to google maps. fortunately, it was a simple mistake in the directions and we were able to pretty much figure out the way on our own. we stayed at South Street Seaport. i don't know the city well enough to know if i would have been choosing the right neighborhood or hotel, but i know the area down by the seaport, and i love it there. i couldn't have picked a better place to stay and relax...

our hotel and the seaport are neighbors to the brooklyn bridge

 cute little 'sand-bar' under the bridge

pum.a and fif.a had a mini soccer fields, ping pong and foosball tables set up in honor of the world cup

i didn't get a pic of the soccer field, but ill show you where T was heading...

he wants to incorporate something like this in our backyard...always thinking, that man

in our two days in the city, we had a chance encounter with the happy cabby, who told us too look him up on you tube and not a moment too soon, let me tell you. after that morning's neg test, i needed some 80's pop and a reminder to be grateful for what i had. 

we headed into SoHo to see 'Restrepo' and again, nothing like a movie that highlights the toils of war to make you appreciate what you have. old lisa would have lost it and been crying through the whole film. i made it though, until one of the guys was talking about his time in afghanistan, during which they were under fire everyday, sometimes several times a day. he said something to the effect of "i haven't found a way to process all that has happened and what i have seen yet. i hope one day to be able to so i can remember it. i don't want to forget it, because it is what makes me realize how much i have to be thankful for." and i am paraphrasing but what a poignant and true quote. i lost it. now, i am not saying what i have been through is in any way close to what these guys or any one who has seen war. but i have seen and dealt with things i never though possible, and i don't want to forget either.

lord, i wish my brain could process it though. baby steps, i am slowly coming to terms with what happened. i am trying to coax myself to process what happened so i can in some ways, move on, but never forget.

we ate some wonderful food while we were in the city. besides the trip up to see the movie, we stayed mainly in and around the seaport. we ate at stella nyc (twice, it was so good!), and at the mark joseph steakhouse. we also saw the bodies exhibit. i loved it. it made T sick

us, waiting for stella to open up so we could go have brunch. we sat on a bench and discussed our next steps and adoption. such a cleansing, uplifting chat. its amazing how differently we related to each other when we were out of our element, calm and happy. i really want to keep that positive spirit going.

we had such fun, i can't wait to go back. it was so nice to have a little time away from it all.

versatility

so far this week, i have been gifted (snicker) three two times (!) with the award of "versatile blogger"

umm, i don't feel very versatile lately. i feel like a broken record. PTL, lose babies,cry, cry, cry, IVF, sad, cry, cry, cry, FET, sad, wah, wah, wah. you get it.

THANK YOU to those of you who do think i am. i want to be anything other than a one track record or someone with a one track mind. that is such a hard thing when you have come down with "the infertility" because it is SO mind numbingly hard to think about anything else but the state of your lady junk. and, really, ive been dwelling on lady junk issues for too long, before babies even really came into my life equation. so im double crazy!

i say all the time that i can't wait for the day when i don't really care what's going on down there, when i don't have to wish or wonder how this will all end. the day that i can give more attention to my other 1999 parts. they deserve it, you know.

so i need to thank R, venting vagina, and someone else, hmmm im so sorry. it was right before the trip to NYC and the BFN. if it was you, im sorry and shit, update me so i can fix this.

so now i need to say 7 things about myself

1.  i would live in sweats if i could. i change into soft clothes as soon as i get home and most of the time i wear them inside out so i don't have to deal with seams. i guess i have really sensitive skin.

2. i am addicted to medicated chapstick.

i have to put it on before bed. it's a real addiction, people. i have a friend whose lips got all nasty from it and she went to the dermatologist and was told that it is a horrible thing to use and she was to stop immediately. that day i made up my mind to never tell a derm my preference for lip care. i never had a problem and i LOVE it.

3.  i have been raised by my parents to have a love and a true concern for nature and animals in particular. growing up, we had fish, birds, salamanders, guinea pigs, cats and dogs. i cannot stand to hear stories about abused animals or those who suffer in any way. i cannot stand those ASPCA commercials and i think they do more harm than good.

4. i would tell you anything. i am very honest and open and i don't believe in lying, so i am pretty much an open book. i hate liars and lying is the quickest way to get on my bad side. i used to teach, and some of you know that some teachers are so phony and fake, i could not stand it!

5. my parents made me wait 3 months after my 17th birthday to get my license. i was THAT BAD. i continued sucking at driving until i drove cross country after high school with two of my friends in a car that didn't have power steering! since then i have been a super confident and very good driver.

6. T and i are both very funny. we both grew up in families that valued making each other laugh and seeking out fun and happiness through comedy. K commented at our wedding something to the effect of "if you've ever been in the room with these two for more than 5 minutes, you'd know they were made for each other." and its true, we love to crack each other and everyone else up.

7. i go through life trying to be happy and kind. i find out, pretty much on a daily basis, that this is not how 90% of the world functions. i know that i am a bit naive, and in this circumstance, i am glad to be. not knowing how many different flavors of crazy are out there is when i say ignorance is bliss.

i am going to nominate new people who have recently been commenting here, because i have been in a super funk and i look forward to reading more of their story. from here on out i think we should all have a section of our blogs called "the core" or something, a couple of posts that represent the nitty gritty of what we've been through, and how that makes us who we are today. i'll have to think of a better name than "the core" and then decide what posts of mine illustrate that.

 *i took everyone out, i hate to realize that i forgot someone and then feel bad. so im not nomminating anymore. im just too sensitive to hurting anyone's feelings and whatnot.

peace

i am trying to feel settled, to get back to where i need to be emotionally and physically. this is a work in progress, but i am committed to it. the setbacks have taken their toll, but i have lived through worse, and i will carry on.

these two failures have served to remind me of what i had, and of what i have lost.

oh,
those 
girls

how i will remember forever the feeling of them swimming inside my belly and how they lived, for their time, in bliss.

they will always be babies, their only experiences hazy and warm, comfortable. they will not know the evils or the despair of this world, they only knew love. they were surrounded by it from the day they were created, pure love. they are never regretted, only longed for in selfish moments when i would have them know the other side of this world,  both for the comfort of their family and the sanity of their parents.

the truth, for Ayla and Juliet, has always been peace. they were made, grew and were born in it. it's only all of us who forget that nearly daily, when aching for their presence.

i will not begrudge my daughters their peace. i am trying to keep their memory a sweet one.

to remember them for what they were, not just how they left.

they were amazing. a gift of love and peace. i will remember that. i will.

BFN again

so i learned today that after your second failure in a row you get to hear the news from the doctor, so she can tell you to drag your fucked up unwelcoming uterus in for a chat.

im just not sure where we go from here.

we are going to take a couple of months off and try again.

i can't be a good support right now, reading good news makes me so sad (sorry, but honest) and reading sad news makes me feel even worse. i just hurt so acutely.

i will update more when i can.

nada

nothing, like whiter than white where the second line should be this morning. i guess that was just a wonky test!

and im okay with it (right now) - thanks for celebrating a supposed victory. let's hope there is a real one to come in the future! and i know, i know, it ain't over until after beta on monday, but i am a ton less hopeful than i was last night.

*******************

in other news, T and i are off to NYC for the night! we are both really happy to get away and im hoping that my period stays at bay at least til monday!

talk to you guys tomorrow :)

T thinks im crazy

so im asking you

at 9dp4dt

do you see what i see? 

i took this at 6:30 when i got home from nails...award and salon and weekend update to follow

BUT FOR NOW

maybe i AM crazy, but i see something, over there on the left. *shrug*

i heard don't stop believing on the way home, so i might just be totes fueled with musical optimism

*pictures have been altered/enhanced for your viewing pleasure

**i am fully aware that this may just be a fluke of a extra-prominent/visible test line, completely unaffected by HCG

***no, it wasn't after ten minutes, so it's not an evaporation line

****it is OKAY if you don't see anything, i want all feedback, not just positive

*****yes, i am well aware that i need to get a SLR camera and stop using my bl*ckberry camera which blows! and my little handheld ca*non just kept flashing too bright and making everything white. one mo reason why this is not a photo blog, yo

FML

this was my response to "sara reed's" comment

"i don't what kind of sick, sadistic people leave a comment on the blog of someone who has lost their babies to stillbirth asking for their funniest pregnancy story?!
what a horrible and heartless thing to do, all to drum up business. you can all go fuck yourselves."

i don't even know if a person will read it but writing it made me feel a teensy bit better. and now, as with anything, im wishing i said a million different things. but don't worry, i'll be going back. if you'd like to join me in spamming the shit out of them, or share your thoughts, go here. feel free to use a fake email.

sitting at my desk and seeing the little red light on my  blackberry light up is always a fun distraction. when i read that comment my stomach dropped and i was sick. sick, i tell you. i haven't been right since.

oh and then this came in the mail:

oh, and then the notice that we owe the IRS $1,989 for 2008 tax return fuck up. awesome.

thanks assholes. and you know, you're right. the repeat negative pregnancy tests after the death of my twins and a failed IVF didn't have me down far enough! thanks for noticing me trying to get up off my fat face and ramming your knee into my back to keep me in place. i needed that.