to you

j lo is on SNL and i want to punch her in the face. just sayin.

a long, long time ago when i was in the depths of my sorrow, debbs at a girl, a guy and a tumour nominated me for a beautiful blogger award. i didn't even know debbs or her asshole tumor existed at that point, and i found out from my sitemeter telling me people were coming over from her site. imagine my delight to find out that this lovely lady had said some totally sweet things about me and my writing and i had NO CLUE. talk about a pleasant surprise! you should head on over to her place...it's fun there! 
though i need to get her to tell me who pays her to read books. hmmm...


so today as i was looking through my reader i realized it was a little sparse. i hope everyone is having an awesome weekend. we had a busy day. i went to get my hair cut to look nice for my new job on monday. (ahhh!) i have been getting my hair cut by the same person for let me see...14 years. (holy shit!) and she and i were pregnant at the same time. anyhow i got to meet her beautiful 6 week old little boy today and we had a heart to heart about all that has happened since i last saw her on oct 16th. that day is so clear in my mind. we both had these giant bellies and we hugged the best we could and rubbed each other's tummy. 
she cried a little today when i told her the story and she was just so sweet about the whole thing. she told me she felt like she had been punched in the stomach when she got my text. she's one of the people who knew what to say that day. today she told me she didn't think it was fair for her to not even be trying for a baby and end up with one, and for me to try so hard and to fall so short. i mean how many people say something like that? and my response, it's life. it's my life and i have to move on and get healthy so i can have healthy babies one day. and as i fed her little one a bottle, life went on...

life went on and T helped my mom put up a cabinet and we went shoe shopping. i got 4 new pairs of shoes for work and they are so cute! then we went out to dinner with T's parents and i had the most disgusting plate i have ever seen served to me. it was supposed to be tilapia and clams in a light red sauce. it was gross. T and i made up different silly names for it on the way home. i think placenta fish was one of them. oh, and endo platter.

im laughing with my husband again.

i feel better than i have felt in 4 months. it's not just the medication. i felt better the minute i left the doctor. i guess having someone tell me that it was understandable and at the same time that it was truly unhealthy to be feeling the way i was really helped me to process what a very bad place i was in. i was in a very. very. dark place. now i see light. im making jokes again, im caring about my looks. im praying this comfort lasts. it will be some time before i am totally myself again, or the new and improved version, but im getting there and that feels so nice.

so one of my friends who did post today was julie at hoping for a baby. julie is pregnant right now (!) and had a bikini wax today which i am totally going to grill her about as soon as i get a hold of her. so julie gave out some awards! to me! and 9 others. here they are...

 

thank you julie. julie says she awarded these to people who have supported her with heartfelt comments. i thought that was really sweet. i am going to turn around and give it to all of you. because you all make me happy and there are more than ten of you! im supposed to list ten things that make my day. but seriously, lets just start with me being able to face each day first. i'm doing pretty well with that so far. though i think #1 would have been oreos.

im serious. each of you in my blogroll is nominated. you shiny happy people. :o)

alright i wrote this last night and now i feel like a slacker...so here's my nominations. just going through my blogroll...

katy at in hannahs honor

ernie at ernie girl is TTC

sprogblogger whom im sure has no clue who little old me is

brandy at a mother's love IT"S HER BIRTHDAY GO SHOW HER SOME LOVE

kukd chick at knocked up knocked down

debbs from a girl, a guy and a tumour

aunt becky my new bff from mommy wants vodka

carol from if by yes

jen from trying to get knocked up by another man 

bon  from i can haz bebe?

murgdan from conceive this

nicole from all grown up

mel at stirrup queens

emry from emry at home

jackie at is it my turn yet

my buddy astral from it is written in the stars above (just starting her first IVF go give her some support)

eve at pour away the ocean

ali at i am a mommy

mihow at mihow (dealing with seperation anxiety with her toddler right now...go give her some tips, mommies!)

mo at life and love in the petri dish

jen at maybe if you just relax

gettsyburg mom 

heather at the spohrs are multiplying

jill at build a baby

gracie at gracie in brooklyn

megan at bottoms off and on the table

heather at dooce.com

jem at ambivalent womb

emily at a hope and a wish from a petri dish

Mrs. LC at last chance ivf

julie at a little pregnant

babyinterrupted

baby hungry  

B at the shifty shadow

amy at o baby where art tho

babies everywhere but none that call me mama

ms2mrs

jenn at happily ever after

wyatt's mom at my journey with endometriosis

mrs. x at they'll barbecue my head

breathe, bliss, be

ct at my big busted uterus

cyndi at ...and i blog

k at on the learn
 
beckie from beckie's infertility journey

michele at my life after loss

sonya at on infertile ground (sonya is expecting QUADS!!!!)

closure

this week marked the end of me buying things to memorialize the girls. T suggested it and he's right. i need to stop. not that i've been buying so much, but i was looking a lot.
i asked for this ring for valentines day

but when it came it was so small, better for a child's hand. it just didn't feel right. so i'm returning it. and im getting these slippers 

 

i wear my ugg boots all over the house as slippers anyway and i got T a pair for V day and he loved them. i can't wait til they come.

before we came to the conclusion that we were done building our little dedication area to our girls, i knew i had to find something that was just perfect, just what we had been missing. 

 

thank you katy. they are absolutely perfect and they will be last beautiful thing i get to remember my girls.

  

tasty #3

today's recipe is so tasty i braved my way to the food store across the street through the crippling noreaster! that turned out to be just a few flurries here and there. K and mom had off from work today, T got home early, and all three already have off tomorrow! T's new company is a non-profit that follows the schedule of the school district and he is just now realizing why his wife used to completely lose her shit, start cruising weather.com and turn her pajamas inside out at the very suggestion of bad weather. i used to love snow days when i was teaching, and he was like a little kid last week when he was waiting to see if he would get a third day off from work. he didn't and went right into aw shucks mode. i am hoping that we at least get the snow they are calling for now, as the districts tend to be stingy about giving out days for real snowstorms after they have called a few duds. ill miss snow days when i start my new job.

i loved teaching. 
i loved teaching preschool dearly. 
i miss teaching. i miss little faces and voices. i miss questions from little brains. i miss the comfort that sets into a classroom after christmas, when i know them and they know me. that place of trust and affection between all of us. that's always when the real fun begins. it's always when the best learning happens. for me and for them. 
i can always go back someday. from what i've heard and what i've seen it's hard to find someone who truly enjoys teaching children in those very early years. there aren't lots of people who feel the way i do about 2, 3 and 4 year olds. but right now i miss the intensity, the never ending questions and chatter. (remember when alanis said 'wear it out the way a three year old would do?' she hit the nail on the head with that one.) so even though some minutes were exasperating, i would have done anything to be back at work and hearing those happy noises. they would have been so welcome in these past few months of quiet, dark and deep silence.
i miss teaching my little ones especially now, as i ready to try a new career doing something completely different. i haven't been ready to talk about it before. losing my job was like losing a little part of myself. i had been with the same people for almost ten years. i had learned from them and hopefully taught them something too. i miss having built-in friends and silly banter at lunchtime.

so here i am! on the brink of a new job and so a new identity. i'm going into it ready to love my job and have it love me right back. it will be different. i will be working in an office with big people. it should be interesting. hopefully it will become a part of my life that i love. i know it has the insurance that i love, so that's a little extra incentive.

ok so back to the issue at hand. today's tasty is adapted from this recipe. 

sweet n spicy shrimp

1 lb raw shrimp

olive oil

honey

hot chili sauce 

garlic or garlic powder

black pepper

the first thing to do is mix equal parts of olive oil, honey and chili sauce. i used 4T each. if you aren't a fan of spicy food you could cut down the chili sauce, the heat isn't HOT, it's more like a tangy tingle left after you swallow. we found it quite divine.

i didn't know this chili sauce existed until i read the recipe. i can't tell you how glad i am that i found it. it is so yummy. i found a bottle of it at target so im guessing im the last to know about it.  

next mix in black pepper and garlic to taste. i use garlic powder because i wanted the flavor to be in the sauce, not to be munching on garlic bits.

dump your shelled and cleaned shrimp into the bowl. i get frozen shrimp from whole foods that's already peeled, deveined and frozen. it is the best brand i've tasted but tonight im making it with fresh shrimp for the first time. let it marinate for as long as you can wait. i leave it for about 35 minutes or until i can't take it anymore. you'll understand after you taste it.

now in the original recipe, the shrimp is grilled. i think the sauce is too tasty to waste, so i pour the entire contents of the bowl, shrimp and sauce into a big saute or frying pan. 

simmer over med heat. the shrimp will cook pretty fast, just flip em over after a few minutes so you can make sure they cook on both sides.

the last time i made this, i mixed in some sugar snap peas. they were great because they counteracted the spicy flavor of the sauce. i serve it over this lentil rice pilaf that, as K pointed out, has 33% of your recommended daily fiber intake. healthy is not usually the theme of my dishes, but ill take it! we have been trying to eat fish at least twice a week lately. though we always have shrimp in the house, this is a favorite new recipe. let me know if you try it and what you think!

glimmer

thanks to bon - bon for introducing me to a glow in the woods. oh, how i wish i found them sooner, but i think it's probably a good thing that i've found them at all. 
(though i didn't find kate inglis' speech from the benefit that bonnie spoke of. if anyone knows where to locate i'd love to read it.)
**update** here it is
you should read it. it's as beautiful as i hoped. it's located under her short post.
thank you carol :o)
whew that's a whole lotta linkin'
now can you explain the crosshairs of a troll? thx

in other news, today was a good day. i didn't do much. caught up on some reading and had dinner with my dad. i am choosing to breathe, i am choosing to walk forward through my grief. i am choosing to concentrate more on the living than i have in 4 months. they are happy to have me back. this is all hard but im doing well so far. 
I CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR YOUR SWEET CARE AND SUPPORT. 
you are all wonderful people. 
xoxo

P.S. im a fairly intelligent person, but sometimes things that should be easily understood confound me. i don't know why 'following' on blogger falls into this category, but i don't get it. i use google reader to keep up with all of your blogs. i love to also be able to access them from my blogroll. if i read your blog, you are in my blogroll, easy as that. if you are a 'follower' of this page and your blog isn't listed it's probably because i couldn't figure out who you are through blogger. i'd love to read anyone's writing who takes the time to read mine. please email me (builtinbirthcontrol@gmail.com) if you aren't listed.
 
this meme is from a glow in the woods...i love these questionnaire-type thingies.

1 | How would you describe your presence on the internet? Does your online voice differ from your real life voice? If so, how? And why?

 i don't really consider myself a 'blogger,' as in im not a writer by nature and i don't write because i have funny stories to tell or feel as if it's my calling. i write because i have too  many thoughts in my head that need to come out somehow and typing is easier than writing. i have a little corner of the internet where i journal and i can feel comfortable while i work through things and try to be the best mama to those girls. they need to be remembered and this is the only way i know how.

the way i write is basically the way i talk. i don't capitalize because im lazy and i hate that shift key. i curse a lot more in real life probably. i try to emphasize correctly with italics and caps when necessary and that has been fun because it helps me find my voice as a writer and get my point across in a better way. i will also edit until the cows come home. sometimes a post will be lots better after ive read it through and added/clarified/taken away things and i cringe about the version people are getting in their reader.
i'm just a person who has a hard time being anything but herself. i won't write things just to be cute or funny. maybe that's why im not a great writer. i need to feel something in order to write it and even though i can exaggerate to be funnier when speaking, i like what i write to be as truthful as possible.

2 | Why did you begin blogging, or reading blogs? Was this before or after your experience of babyloss?

i have been reading blogs for a while. im not sure how i got started. i think dooce was the first blog that i discovered. i read it from beginning to end in about a week. 

way long ago...prob 2006 

3 | Do you write anonymously? Does anonymity - or would anonymity - change your expression of grief?

i have a picture of myself in the sidebar. now, in all honesty it is a picture from 4 years ago, so i doubt you would recognize me on the street! (i take a horrible picture and i actually like that one) LOL but anyone who knows me would be able to tell it was me. i like to see a picture of people whose blogs i read so i feel like others must as well. it adds a new level of intimacy. i use my own name, and i don't think anonymity would change what i write in the slightest for me. and i would feel like i was hiding.   
YEA YEA YEA...maybe when i get comfortable with my job...for now, IM ANONYMOUS!
gosh, the man stinks

4 | Do you have a responsibility in how you express yourself on the internet? To whom, and why?

hmm not a responsibility so much as i want to say things that will help people understand what happened and what i continue to live through after this staggering loss. as i said above, i do feel a responsibility to be honest. people read because they want to know the truth of how it feels to go through something this crappy. i think i do an okay job. but really, im writing for myself. the fact that people read! and respond!...icing.

5 | Do authenticity and honesty matter to you, both as a reader and a writer? Or does unconditional support matter more? How do you think readers perceive your truth?

see above :o) (guess i should have read all the ?s first)

i don't know that in an intelligent society that there can ever be 'unconditional support'. people will always have different experiences and suggestions to share and from that discourse comes a greater understanding and, at times, a new consciousness of self.
sometimes i feel like my writing is heavy and depressing. i think (i hope) people know that it comes from the realest place and it, at times, is more my heart speaking than my brain.

 

6 | Have you ever been in the crosshairs of a troll? How did you deal with it, and what did you learn from it?

i don't know what this means...brb

ummm after google consult....no? i get lots of viagra spam and i delete it? 

7 | How do you feel before going online - either to write on your own blog, or to absorb the writing of others? How do you feel when you shut down the computer and walk away?

many times my posts have poured out of me after i sat stewing and overwhelmed. sometimes i'd open the computer and be weeping, feeling what i needed to say before the words appeared on the page. when i put the computer down after these times, i felt closer to my girls, relieved of a little bit of pain, and happy with how i remembered my babies.

as for reading others' posts. it is just a part of my daily routine.

1. wake up 
2. check email
3. open reader 

i love it

 

8 | Do family/friends know you write/commune online? If so, have they told you how they feel about it? How do you respond to their opinions?

i sent my mother and my sister the link when i re-started my blog. my sister K reads regularly (im sure feels most of what im saying as strongly as i do,) and my mother read it in the beginning, but it made her cry and i don't think she keeps up. this is all very painful for her. she did like that i had an outlet. i haven't told my brother though i do write about him and his little A. i don't have a whole lot of IRL friends (i know, i can't believe it either!) i mostly spend time with T and K and my mom. i have told one friend about my blog. she hasn't given me any feedback yet but she is very supportive with everything. 

T loves that i blog. he has said that he loves that our angels won't be forgotten. he gets so excited-he'll go on my page and  be like 'wow! you have 6 comments-your blog is really taking off!' LOL and he begged me to continue blogging even when i start my new job monday. i hadn't planned to stop :o) 

9 | Have you ever met any other loss bloggers in real-life? How did it feel to share food and air and space, and how did it make you feel about your own storytelling and healing? If you haven't experienced this, would you want to, or not? Why?

no i haven't

im not the type of person to put people on pedestals. i don't really want to meet any celebrities and i don't sit around daydreaming about what i would say if i did. the same kind of applies to bloggers. if someone is a fun person, then i bet i'd love to meet them. i'd love to meet a few of the people i communicate with online, just to chat in person. but ill bet the air and food would stay the same.

10 | How did you/will you know it's time to read fewer grief blogs, and write less of grief? How did you/will you redirect your energy, creativity, and persona online -- did you/will you go offline? Disappear and start again? Or transition in your current space, hoping to find a new voice? If you've done this, how did it feel?

i never read a ton of grief blogs to begin with. i do read the (grief) blogs of my contemporaries, those who lost babies around the same time as me. on the whole im not good with other people's sad stories, so usually i will read enough of someone's posts to get the gist of things and then comment and move on. 

right now i am in the process of trying to come to terms with this grief. i will write about how i feel and how i change will be evident.  i don't think i will go offline because there is so much more to be said.

like tomorrow's tasty.

O.M.G.

i hope you eat shrimp 

resolve to hope

i went to see the psychiatrist this morning. the two hours before i woke up were filled with that nervous half-sleep where you're sure you are late for your appointment or have slept through it. that was super fun and caused me to look at the clock every ten minutes or so to reassure myself that it was nowhere near wake up time. it would seem that i was a bit apprehensive.i got to the office at 10am sharp. the woman who scheduled my appointment had told me it was hard to find the office and that there wasn't a street sign. she was wrong on both counts. found it no problem and there was a sign, but im glad she was so willing to help me get there. its nice when people care more than they need to.

i decided to go in because i didn't want to sit in the car and waste gas and it was way too cold to sit without the heat. i have also become super addicted to my heated seats :o)
when i got there i was asked to fill out a series of tests that were used to assess my mental health. i finished them up by 10:15. i waited a while as i think they normally block more time than you need for the tests and i can totally see how people may not know how they are truly feeling in order to answer some of the questions. not me, i knew exactly where i fell on number scales and was able to find the exact explanations of how i felt on the pick a sentences.

the doctor was a pleasant man who asked me to explain a little bit about why i was there. i started to cry a bit and explained what has happened. we talked for a while, with him pausing to give affirmations or explain my feelings in more depth to me. it was nice to have someone tell me that what im feeling is understandable and even a little bit expected. he went through the battery of tests with me, showing me where i fell on the scales of obsessive compusive behavior, anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, depression and alcohol dependency.
i was a little higher than normal on anxiety, depression and OCD. 'not surprising,' he said 'given what you've been through.' for me, a sigh of relief. 

finally, my feelings were quantified and affirmed. i am suffering from what my doctor called 'complicated grief,' a condition in which normal grieving becomes all mixed up with feelings of anxiety and depression and the patient becomes unable to move on or find closure in the situation. i will start medication tomorrow morning and i am expected back to see a nurse in 3 weeks and the doctor in 7.
i can't tell you how relieved i am that i went today. i truly believe that i am giving myself the opportunity to move on in a positive way. i'm chasing happiness and peace. wish me luck...

*******
when T and i first started going to my RE's office, we both fell in love with one of the ladies behind the desk. joanne. she was so sweet and did her job well, but beyond that she went out of her way to get to know us, and was so sincere in her hopes for our success. she shared with us that many years ago she had conceived her children with our doctor through IUI. she had been there and it was refreshing to have someone who cared on the other side of the desk, phone etc.

i spoke to her again for the first time in probably almost a year. i called today to make an appointment for good friday. i explained what had happened and that i was counseled by the IVF nurse to make an appointment with the doctor before doing anything else. (as if i could do anything by myself. though if i had a straight tube and cooperating ovary, i may be tempted by those leftover vials of menopur :o) so joanne says, 'oh honey, im sure he will want to talk to you, let me have your number and he will call you the next time he does patient calls.' what? i have called these people no less that 6 times since october and told my sad story to the IVF nurse, the pregnancy nurse and just about every person who has answered this phone. nobody ever mentioned that he would call me at home. 'oh yes, honey, i know he will want to speak to you and that way you can see if he wants you to come in. let's go ahead and schedule you for his first appointment on good friday just in case. let me check your file and see if we got your medical records from the hospital.' i was on the phone with joanne for 15 minutes. she felt so bad for what T and i have been through. she told me it was horrible. i agreed. she wanted to help me and she did. thank you joanne. thank you so much.

if i could i would order a joanne for the doctors office of each of my friends. she seriously needs to teach a course: how to calm crazed patients like JOANNE or how to do your job with compassion like JOANNE. love that woman. so thanks to her i should be getting a call from my RE early next week. im looking forward to it. he is an amazing physician and i want to hear what he has to say. i hope he can make more sense of the medical records than i can. all i got out of it is that there was an infection. but i already knew that. 

so today belongs to hope and resolve. hope for my sanity and my relationships and resolve that they will grow stronger again as i regain my footing in the normal world. resolve that my medicine will help me to heal and my strength will complete the process. hope that joanne's spirit will catch on and someone will be inspired by her and strive to care half as much, and hope that my dear RE will have words of comfort and a plan for me, backed up by his years and years of medical research and experience. 
yes, today there is hope. it's about time.

hi

i just spent way too much time trying to find a good video of this song to post. it would seem to be ben harper's most neglected in terms of live performances. maybe because it is so very emotion-laden. i will caution you to concentrate less on the photos (from gossip girl? is that mischa barton?) because some will take away from the beautiful lyrics.

i arrived home last night from california. i went out to celebrate little A's baptism. i hadn't wanted to say something earlier because i didn't want to ruin the surprise for my brother, on the off chance that he stumbled across my words.
the decision to go was one that i came to not two weeks ago and wasn't arrived at easily.

packing and leaving here and flying there alone really cemented in my head that my babies are gone. i wasn't planning on going to the christening because i was supposed to be 9+ months pregnant.


i wept on my flight out, crying for the realities i'm just now acknowledging, those that have been there all along. i've been waiting for my babies to come back. that sounds, looks, reads so silly. it's true though. 
i realized that i was waiting to wake up and have it all be a nightmare, feel my babies shifting inside of me again, feel the heft of my belly weight, the security that my little loves were safe and alive. denial, anyone? 
maybe this explains the cutesy name for ROLLS AND ROLLS OF FAT

i also realized that my babies aren't real to others. nobody knew them like i did. their daddy loved them and their grandmas and aunts ached to hold them, but nobody was aware of their presence like i was. i held them while they slept, and reveled in their waking. i knew what foods they liked, and what position they wanted to sleep in and i knew, even before the doctor told me, that they held each other.


this experience has been so unlike any other death i've ever known. there was no funeral, family and friends couldn't see our grief unless they actively seeked us out. i will never be able to thank those who did enough. my mom who came over and brought us two dolls that had belonged to my grandfather in the girls' memory. N, who came over and washed dishes and cried with us. S, who came and asked about the girls, wanted to know everything and i told her, hungry to feed someone else the details that i needed practice to remember. F and N who brought flowers and pored over the obituary, holding our pain for just a litte while, and my little sister K, who was there for it all, the only besides T and i who truly understands how magical and wretched can juxtapose and fill the air. she saw my girls born. i am simultaneously glad she was there and sad for her all at once. her innocence has been challenged, defeat illustrated for her. it's not fair for her either.

then there's you, whom ive never met or seen. i don't know what you look like on a bad hair day, and i don't know if you prefer vanilla or chocolate, but you take time enough to reach out to me and leave a comforting thought, or words of support. they bouy me on the rough days, help me to stay afloat as the waves crash around my head.

but for the others, the ones who have never acknowledged my loss; to smile and carry on like nothing ever happened, that is a luxury they are affording themselves. the capability to ignore my pain (there i said it) is their choice, it is easier and less painful for them. it hurts me, when you look in my face and smile and pretend that i never had two babies who grew inside of me until i couldn't see my feet and then i labored and delivered these girls and one was dead and one died in T's arms. 
in ignoring you save yourself from the unpleasant unknown, a moment in which i may cry, a moment in which you could share my pain. 

i will not be forced to believe that this death is any less important that the ones ive seen black cars lined up for, smelled the god-awful scent of funeral flowers at, or sung about being raised up on eagle's wings during. most can ignore this, but i cannot. i wish i knew how to make them more important in the grand scheme of things. i wish i knew how to stop waiting for them and put them to rest.


i have a doctor's appointment tuesday morning at 10:15 am. i surrender.

ouch

i wanted to explain what i posted yesterday. celine dion was on oprah at 1 am and she is one of the few celebrities that i know of who is upfront about using ART in her family building (i guess i have to include giuliana depandi now?)

oprah asked celine about the 'miscarriage' she had earlier this year, which from what i read sounded more like a clinic error, but what do i know? and im in no mood to go searching for an article on this poor woman's misfortune.

so there she was, sitting in front of millions of people with all the composure in the world and oprah asking her how it made her feel. i bet she wanted to kick oprah in the stomach while punching her in the throat simultaneously and say 'THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE, BITCH!' or 'CE N'EST PAS AGREABLE CONNASSE!' yup, 5 years, can you tell?
or burst into tears and collapse into oprah's lap mumbling something about life not being fair.

but in the end she was classy about it and told oprah that's life and the way things go sometimes. she also mentioned that it happens to many people, they just aren't unlucky enough to have their business plastered across newspapers and ahem brought up by talk show hosts.

then celine told oprah she is on her 5th try for a baby, (im not sure if her son rene' is included in that,) and that the 5th time is going to work! she was so gracious and sweet and positive. on tv anyway.

anyway, after her interview, oprah had the canadian tenors on and they sang their cover of the song 'hallelujah.' and halfway through, celine came out and surprised them. (youtube had the video from oprah but it wouldn't play, so this is just them with no celine) i guess they are fans or something, i missed that part. but the song was just so sweet and peaceful, just what i needed to hear. my life has been lacking in the peace department.

so i thought i would share that with my dear friends inside the computer, so many of them could use a tranquil moment as well.

im not in a good place. im going to go see a doctor soon and not the lady junk kind.
a brain doctor. im a mess. i definitely have PPD and i think i may even have a dash of PTSD. i need to sleep at night and wake in the morning like a normal person again. i need, somehow, to come to terms with my empty arms and my aching heart. i hurt more than i ever though a person could.

this week would have been 36 weeks of pregnancy. that's when my obgyn told me the babies would probably arrive.

valentine's day babies that aren't coming.

there's no tasty for today yesterday, so crack open a cherry pop tart and try not to finish the whole box.

wordless

worried

so last week i ovulated. 
yes this is a big deal to me. this is a process that i am highly in favor of, and not for the reasons you might think.
even though i know the eggs dont get to where they need to be, im still pleased with my little lefty. she's proof that from time to time, my body remembers that it's supposed to function in a certain way, that it is not always a complete FAIL.
                                  
ever since we lost righty, lefty has really been picking up the slack. she produces almost every month. she is a little large, due to her busy schedule what with picking up all those extra hours, but on the whole, a pretty impressive little organ.
keep it up lefty! mama's proud of you! 
 
my beloved lefty is the only thing i really have going for me in this battle. the uterus who allowed implantation but gave up halfway through doesn't get any credit. she and i are not even on speaking terms yet. i'll wait and see what the report says, (still not here ugh!) but even if her name is cleared, i can't guarantee i'll ever feel the same way towards her again. us scorpios hold mad grudges.

 but back to last week. what i experienced wasn't just any ovulation, it felt like a volcano exploded in there. the biggest ovulation ive ever felt. so naturally i was all 
 GO LEFTY! ATTA GIRL! PUSH THAT EGGY OUT!  
...only to be lost in the deep dark chasm of the cul de sac, never to be heard from again-gain-gain. ok so this excitement, as all other aspects of this minefield called IF, eventually turns into frustration and feelings of inadequacy. boo.

but that's not where im heading. see, ever since the ovulation that rocked my world, i've been having pain in lefty. it basically feels like i've continued to ovulate all week. its a twingy, pangy sort of semi-ouch? very strange. im hoping it's just a cyst that will resolve itself over time. from what i've read that seems the most likely possibility.


here's the thing though. it could be something much much worse. at the same time i can accept that its probably not a big deal, i am so acutely petrified. 
i know all about my arch nemesis and her crafty ways. she could have swept in silently and lefty could be fighting a battle and declining as i type! i could lose her, and along with her, my last shred of normalcy. and that, my friends, would suck. 
suck suck sucky suck.


did i mention that my health insurance kicks in on march 1st? guess what day i go back to work where i'll be commuting an hour each way for three months? march 1. 
13 weeks of training with no days off.
so how in the world am i going to get to a doctor and get an ultrasound? i really really don't want to go back to my old obgyn, and even if i did, i don't think i'd make it in time for the last appointment of the day. so do i go to a new obgyn/RE up there and say hey, i need an ultrasound today? if i explain my history and what i'm feeling that should work, right?


any words of wisdom or ovary troubleshooting you can share would be so helpful. thanks in advance.

what can you say when a baby dies?

ive been wanting to post for a long time about what to say when someone loses a child. some days i feel like i really didn't lose a child so much as i lost the possibility of one, or two, as it were.

when my mother remarked that i didnt really have them. i knew what she meant, and i agreed, after i recovered from the initial sting of her candor.

i didn't after all. my dear ayla, the one whose bag of life was so grievously comprimised, never showed us any signs of spirit after she was born. she was on the shuttle already as we nuzzled her warm body. 

sweet juliet was pink, opened up her little mouth, stretched her limbs. 

i morphine cried out, "T! cut her cord!" so desperate was i to believe the deceit of her movements. silly people, my daughter is fine! run along now.
ah but reality resurfaced all too soon. the amazing wonderful caring loving angel at my bedside nurse worked swiftly to baptize her and deliver her to our arms. this is where is gets hazy for me. i know T held his sweet girl as she went on to join her sister. 

he says she made a face that looked just like her mama right before she drifted off.

i slept in and out of consciousness for hours, waking only to deliver the placentas and fill the space-age barf bags i was provided with. when i finally half-shook my stupor, my mom helped me shower and put on a stretchy netted undie. the doctor came in and told me i could leave whenever i wanted or i was welcome to stay. i gave him a 'watchu talkin bout willis?' kind of look. i was in no shape to leave and after a while i was moved out of the birthing suite into a regular room.

T showed me the text he had sent out to our friends and families.

'this morning at 20 weeks we delivered ayla joy and juliet grace. we held them in our arms, baptized them, and kissed them goodbye.'

i never would have thought to send a text, and i forwarded it, in disbelief to many. one went out as an answer to a ex co-worker who had not 5 minutes earlier asked how everything was going. 

not good. its not good.

the condolences started rolling in. 

well, mostly condolences. T got a few 'congratulations!' back, from people who had just scanned the text. that'll teach em to cut corners.

this is where it gets tricky. i in no way want to sound ungrateful for people's sympathy. any words of consolation or comfort were of course appreciated, and the commonplace 'im sorry' and 'you're in my prayers' were lovely to hear. though T wondered aloud exactly when all of his friends had started praying. 

its just that the words that meant the most to us were unique.
one friend wrote 'you gave them such beautiful names', another, 'your little girls are angels now, they will always be with you and i will never forget them.'

after he and his wife could gather themselves enough to be able to call me; my cousin, a dad of two boys, cried with me. he said 
'i wish i could have met them.'

so what can you say? certainly nothing that anyone said took the pain away, but having the girls acknowledged was something that meant a lot to both T and me. when an older person dies, you don't just say you're sorry, you usually elaborate about the person and what you loved about them. that's what we especially appreciated about these few comments. people were not just pitying us, feeling sorry for what we went through, they were remembering our girls to us and acknowledging that even though we didn't really get to have them, lord, they were here.

tasty #2

yes, i cheated and posted this without any text, but its not really tatsy thursday if the post goes through after midnight is it?



it has been a weird day. i did get the job. yay. 
i know i should be ecstatic and probably use all caps and exclamation points, and i am happy. it will be a good thing for our little family, and a new routine for me. not to mention ill be able to get off of unemployment and make some $. these are all positive things. im even a tiny bit relieved that i can't think about IF for a while. i know its important for me to do a little healing before starting on a new path anyway. its just that i am a seriously impatient, curious person. i need to know whats going to happen. i have to have a plan. 


we learned a little over three months ago that plans don't always work out, so with a bit of a heavy heart, i give in. ill go to my new job and ill give it my everything. ill try everyday to drown out that little voice in the back of my head that's asking all the questions and shouting for answers.


todays recipe is yummy. i got it from a friend whose mom works in a middle school and was assisting in a home-ec class.
(further proof that this is not a food blog) 

it is a super duper easy cream puff.  you can do it. thank me later.

Read more »

for my IF girls

have you seen this website?

they published this book 

the woman speaking in this video is one of the authors...

love it...i just want to hug her

that should do for the media overload of this week

not for prime time

**had to remove the video because it didnt fit on my page

you won't see this ad on the nightly news, im sure. i love the wording used in this and how they talk about a world where every woman is respected and trusted to make their own decisions about their health.

the video is in response to a pro-life ad which will be shown during the super bowl. lets hope that through discussion can come the understanding that women do have the knowledge and the right to know what is best for their body.

the message especially hits home with me. ive heard every comment in the book about what i should do about my body and it's lack of procreation skill. leave me alone! let me decide what medical intervention is appropriate and necessary. thanks for trying to help, oh well-wishers, but you contrary to what your mama told you, your opinion does not always matter.

now off to the gym...eeek

blue

i need to work out. i feel my muscles turning to jelly under my skin, the ache of atrophy. i know that even a bit of activity would help me sleep better, feel better, lose a little bit of the 'twin gut' as i so affectionately call it. i can't get motivated to do anything really, except cook and bake and shop.

the sleep problem persists. i lay awake for hours, though usually my body will relent by 5 or 6 am, i didn't get to 'bed' today yesterday until almost 9 am. i was up when T's alarm went off, fixed him his tea, watched both jimmy kimmel and jmmy fallon from last night, and still wasn't tired. i've tried staying up all night, in the hopes that my internal clock will reset and allow me the tiniest bit of normalcy, to no avail. i've tried nyquil, benadryl, ambien and flexiril. nyquil rendered me comatose for all night and half the next day, not tired at bedtime so no help.
with benadryl and ambien i wake up two hours after i fall asleep (if i fall asleep.)
flexeril used to put me out in ten minutes. nothing at all from the flexeril. 
i am willing to become a reformed night owl, i just don't know how.

i woke up today at 2 pm tired and aching. i couldn't sleep another wink but i was exhausted. i'm hoping i will be able to sleep tonight--maybe before 3am? that would be heavenly.


in the beginning i wondered if my body was responding to having just given birth, expecting i would be up every couple hours, a hormonal kick in the sleepy ass if you will. 
but after two weeks of milk spilled and wasted on my shirts, and five of untimely and unwelcome lochia, awake i remained.
as the cloud of grief shifted me from overwhelmingly confused couch mush to an only slightly less confused and partially upright shell of my former self, the nights only got worse. my semi-clear consciousness allowed me the delight of reliving the events of my hospital stay and the deaths of my children.


my girls died every night for almost two months, and every night i would remember another lost litte shard of information that would serve to cut my heart just a tiny but deeper.

i remember pretending my mom was in the ambulance with me. i could see her face. i smelled her perfume. i needed her comfort and i found her, conjured from a million instants together and the knowledge that she was in her bed, in the middle of the night praying along with me for our little girls.


i remember the doctor struggling to get one last measurement on the worst-case-scenario ultrasound (it was always such a lovely thing, an ultrasound, until you have the one where your babies are still alive, but going to die. i don't recommend) he was having a hard time because my daughters were clinging so tightly to one another he couldn't tell where one ended and the other started.


i remember the wail i let out when the doctor broke my water. it was one of unmistakable sorrow, a mother's desperate plea. i never did ask if any noise came out, or if it was just my heart screaming. i'm not sure i want to know.


as for now, i am in a slight, persistent, fog which makes it difficult to think about things, (like should it be a slight persistent fog or a slight, persistent fog or do i have it right with the two commas? please kate, edit me. so sad...i am college educated, i am a teacher for christ's sake) spell words correctly, process information. im wondering how much of this is sleep deprivation and how much grief. i'd like a nice definite percentage on that one. 
my thoughts are more at rest though, even as my body rebels. my babies don't die every night anymore. they are at rest too, finally settled into their little pink box. 

they don't get to be kids and i don't get to be a mom. i get it.
but someday, some way i will be someone who is living's mom. i will give them the gift of knowing i am always with them, if only in spirit. i hope it comforts them.

for now, no matter how much sleep i get, im going to the gym tomorrow. i am going to run on the treadmill or the elliptical. i can't decide. i have to start living again.

angel

as some of you may know, i have been waiting on pins and needles for the records from my hospital stay. 

i called and called and got the runaround for a long while. finally last week i said 'look, my babies died. i need to know why so i can try again. i can't try again if i don't know why.'*

* i said this with the full understanding that i may never know why

finally someone wanted to help, maybe it was the dead baby comment that got her, maybe she heard the despair in my voice. it doesn't matter what moved her to help me through all of this, she was wonderful. she explained to me why they were waiting for a doctor to sign off and on which part of the chart. she vowed to track him down, saying  "we've had your records for long enough and you need to know."
she kept in touch. she answered my calls. she helped. 

it worked.

my records are going to be put in the mail tomorrow. in a few short days i will be able to pore over the minutia of the worst three days of my life. hopefully in the end i will know a little more than i do right now.


thank you natasha, you have allowed me to take the first step towards peace and closure

 just felt like a little music today

mr. lukey would like his nap now

don't you love how i was ballsy enough to create a label 'pregnancy #1?'

         hope damn sure does spring eternal

and now...some lukey n some T for your viewing pleasure :)

these top two are cell phone pics 

as soon as T gets out of bed

laziest. dog. ever. except if you are eating pizza.