endo-wah?

i have stage IV endometriosis. it is an insidious condition where menstrual blood finds its way out of the uterus into the abdominal cavity, collects into blood tumors, (endometrioma) lays on otherwise healthy organs, (lesions) and sticks stuff together that shouldn't be stuck (adhesions.) there are 4 stages...stage 4 is the worst. there is a lot that goes along with having endo. it can really ruin your day sometimes, but im not going to talk right now about all the stuff that a person with endo experiences because, really, it's gross and you shouldn't have to know if you don't already.

lets go back in time for a moment...its 2004. im 26 years old. i have a new job, but i also have an OBGYN appt. i always went in march for my yearly. (YEARLY. yearly!...bwahahahahahahah!)

oh the innocence of those days. anyway i loved my doctor. i miss her to this day...she was wonderful. not only was she awesome at her job, she had the best bedside manner and the personality of an actual human! she was great.

so, i leave work early for my yearly (haha still making me laugh, i haven't used that word in forever) and i wait the requisite hour to see my doc. i never understood how they could get so very off schedule there, but it happened every. time.

pants off, on the table and cold hard speculum (ouch!) inserted...breathe in, breathe out. these were the last moments of me enjoying what i perceived to be normal female life. 

dr. G -"hmmm"

L- "what?"

dr. G-"well, your uterus is slightly tipped forward, i'd like you to have an ultrasound to check that out."

L- (unfazed) "ok is this something i should schedule right away? i just got a new job and all..."

dr. G -"i'd say you should need to get it looked at within 2-3 weeks."

L -internal oh shit monitor goes off

i honestly don't remember where our conversation went after that. i scheduled an ultrasound for the next week and worried my way through day and night until it came.

during my ultrasound, i watched the tech marking off big black blobs. i asked her what she saw. "well, you have two masses. one is very large." 

cue tears "is it cancer?" (silly girl)

UT "no, if it were cancer, it would show up as a different color. they look like fibroids to me. don't worry."

tears, tears, tears

two weeks later i am in dr. G's office. she is happy to report that i have a large pedunculated fibroid attached to the outside of my uterus and that's what's causing the tipping.. she isn't worried about it, and says we can either remove it or 'keep an eye on it' for six months.

tears "are you kidding? get it out! i want it out!"

ill note now that at this time i wore a size 4...last time in my life!

i was scheduled for surgery 2 months later. in the time between my yearly visit and my surgery, my belly grew and grew. by the day of my surgery i looked 5 months pregnant. (with one baby) i ate nonstop, i used to say i was "feeding the tumor." it was such a literal drain on my system. in the weeks right before i was to have my surgery, life became extremely uncomfortable. if i ate too much or had my period, there would be too much swelling and fullness down there and i would be in severe pain.

i had plans to go on vacation with my brother and his wife a week after my surgery. i was told that the whole procedure would take 45 min and i would be out of the hospital by the next day. travel would not be an issue.

boy were they wrong

they opened me up and got a horrorshow-(actual picture from surgery) the 'fibroid' was a 10cm chocolate endometrioma that had encompassed my right tube and ovary (every month the tumor would fill up with more blood as the old blood would turn a dark brown syrupy consistency)

the tumor was so large, and my insides were so tiny back then. it had pushed my uterus back into my organs, causing the tipping forward of my cervix dr. G had felt. endometrial blood had seeped into my abdominal cavity and stuck everything together. my poor mother was presented with pictures (!) and had to agree to let them take out my right ovary and tube.

a general surgeon was called in to lyse adhesions and put my organs back where they belonged. they worked on me for 3.5 hours. it took a very long time for me to come out of the anesthesia. i hurt. they had me on morphine. morphine sucks as we already know, but that didn't stop me from jammin on that button every chance i got. after recovery when i was brought to a room there was a very LOUD woman in there about to get discharged. oh, she was LOUD and the people in the hallway, LOUD and the light, oh so BRIGHT gah--it was awful. i stayed in the hospital for 5 days, i had a bunch of staples and a big ol bikini cut. i was out of work for 12 weeks. i was so lucky to have my mom take care of me. she didn't get a summer break that year! thanks mom :)

leg pain set in a week after my operation with my period (im a lucky girl, jealous yet?) it was a searing ow ow ow my leg's on fire! kind of a pain. over the next two years it would be ever present, to the point where i would limp by the end of the day. my mom's friend (OR nurse) told me they had probably left the retractor in one spot for too long, causing nerve damage. my RE (referred after surgery) told me he would have been able to save my ovary. everybody thought i should sue. i didn't want to sue though. i know dr. G did what she could, nobody intentionally hurt me, even though i was so very very hurt.

people don't understand chronic pain. they don't want to hear about it. they don't get that oh my god i cant think straight this hurts so bad. i was lucky to only have that severity of residual physical pain for two years. i do think it was nerve damage and just needed a long time to heal. i still ache many days, and i have a hard time sitting in one spot for too long, or crossing my legs. they just hurt. i think most of that is just pure endo pain though that operation and the two that followed didn't help things...

the emotional scab of having this fucked up condition is ongoing, and gets picked open often, say every 28 days or so. the physical results are constant reminders of how wacky my body is, how it just doesn't know how to be normal or function like a lady. i don't like to dwell on the bad side of what life has given me. that ultrasound tech could have found a cancerous tumor that day, i could have lost consciousness on that operating table, i could have died any number of ways since then.
**wow, not sure where that came from**

but i didn't. im here. im here and i have my funky uterus and its nasty habits and its aversion to pregnancy. but that's what ive got and damned if im not gonna make the best of it.

tasty #1

ok, i have always enjoyed cooking. my parents gave me free reign to bake and try new recipes and cook dinner for the family on occasion, and after getting married to a trained chef, my love for it grew even more because we had something in common, and i had a chance to really show him how it's done! mise en place my butt! one new years day brunch we had a quiche cookoff. and I WON, member baby? it was awesome.

since october, i have immersed myself in cooking and baking and generally doing anything that will keep my hands and mind busy. it has really helped me to have a little direction in my days which could so simply consist of oprah, ellen, the dooce community (so fun!) and  questionable content. i recently started reading that comic from the start and it is amazing to see the progression of drawing skill that jeph jacques has. its kind of like finding a blog you love and going all the way back to the beginning to see how they came out with what they have now, but with art. interesting.

anyway, i thought that with all my free time i would post some of my culinary successes, and make my thursday posts about anything but IF.

so behold, tasty thursday #1:
**the link works now!

the quiche tarts that beat T

5 slices bacon, crumbled (optional)

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened 

2 tablespoons milk

2 eggs 

1/2 cup shredded Swiss cheese 

2 tablespoons chopped green onion 

1 (10 ounce) can refrigerated flaky biscuit dough

Preheat to 375

i use the pre-made bacon  because for 5 slices it isn't worth it to me to fry

mix cream cheese, eggs, milk together in a big bowl. i don't have a mixer(we lost it in the move), but i assume it would make the whole process a bit easier.

mix in onion, cheese glorious cheese!

the next part is the tricky part. i have made this with regular size muffins and mini muffins. i always have a ton of filling left over either way. i prefer the reg size muffins because the filling is sooo tasty you really don't get enough of it in the little guys. i usually bake the extra stuff all by itself with no crust, (a hit with the no carb peeps!) or i guess you could buy extra dough.

anyway, fill each muffin cup with dough, molding it to the shape of the cup. this is the tricky part, but you'll get the hang of it. if i could give you any advice, use less than you think you need because it will puff up. seal any holes with a bit of dough.
after that, put some of the bacon in the bottom (reserve just a bit of bacon) of each cup and fill 3/4 of the way with mixture.

 bake 20-25 min and top with bits of reserved bacon

i have made this recipe so many times, not just when i beat the pants off my husband in that quiche-off, but for work breakfasts, appetizers, and brunches at home.

you will not be sorry if you try it. it is absolutely sinful, and  mine always come out better looking than the pic in the link. i hope you like this addition to my blog. it's definitely nice for me to write about something else for a change. ahh a breath of fresh air. off to make dinner...i wish i was making these!

explaining

when i first started writing here, i thought i would chronicle my IVF journey. i was so hopeful for a chance at actually getting some sperm to my eggies (!) and i though i was a little scared, i felt oh-so-blessed to be able to have the money to try. we paid for our IVF with our 2008 tax return. thank god ultrasounds and bloodwork were covered by my insurance or we would really have struggled.

i didn't end up doing what i set out to do. we tried to make our IVF as private as possible. to really take those two weeks and not clutter them up with the stuff of life, but to put all our energy into being with one another and keeping positive thoughts. we didn't make too many plans outside of the house and besides work and shots, we kinda took it easy, and i never ended up returning to chronicle after those first few days. it was a real experience in bonding for T and i. a trust-building exercise every morning and night when he'd give me my shots. there was comic relief and there was love, pure and palpable. we weren't doing it the regular ol way, but we were making our babies! we loved it!

somewhere along the way things went wrong, as they are wont to do when we attempt to make plans. there were moments that brought us even closer together than we thought was possible. there was crushing failure, and the alarm and horror of the worst kind of loss. it wasn't even a choice whether to come back and write. it was something i simply needed to do, and it has helped me immeasurably.

if you read this here today, or any day, i want to thank you. writing about it is helping me work through my anguish. adding mine into the collective suckiness of so many stories is helping me to normalize, and accept the hand ive been dealt. the fact that others read and care is comforting and surprising, and encourages me to go on and work through this on most days when all i feel like doing is stuffing my head in a pillow and ignoring the world.

lamenting

sometimes it's hard to believe all that has happened.

only three short months ago, i gave birth to two baby girls who were too small and too beautiful for this world. i know this to be a fact and i have evidence...

• i have a little pink urn. 
• i have sympathy cards. 
• i have an obituary.
  
• i have two holes in my heart.

but sometimes, when i think about the specifics of what happened, it doesn't seem real.

the doctors and nurses were wonderful. they answered all of our questions and they comforted us through it all.

"they have to be a certain size for the tubes to fit...20 weeks is just too early"

"they will not be able to open their eyes"

"if they survive the delivery? not long, honey. maybe a minute"

"i baptize you in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit"

i remember these voices in my head like it was yesterday.

but my babies, oh, they are slipping away. it's been years since i held them, inhaled the sweet smell of their skin and kissed little velvety faces. we saw how ayla joy looked like her daddy and juliet grace looked like her mommy. we were mesmerized by them.

and then they had to go.

i held them every day of their lives.

hope springs eternal

every month, i think:

this could be the one!

i could be the stuff of infertile urban legend!

here's our chance!

we still try (well, i do, not sure if T thinks about it) despite the years of trying to no avail, the operations, the doctor's reports of twists and turns and adhesions and scarring. i don't know why i do, it just comes naturally to me.

every month, if only for a few moments or days, i feel like i still have the same chance that every fertile girl does. its CRAZY, but true, and it makes me feel like kind of an idiot.

i think this is a little bit of my spirituality showing through. even though i have been told that it is really not possible that we could get pregnant naturally, i still believe in the chance.
every. month.

i know that it wasn't just my doctor who knocked me up. it can't just be menopur, ganerelix, hcg and valium manipulated by a skilled hand. that can't the only thing that makes it work. every baby comes with a tiny push from someplace else. a bit of magic, a little je ne sais quoi.

there is an unknown in all of this and this i believe...

...shiny, sparkly souls, pure love, sunlight, a drop of rain, a piece of bright blue sky, and two rainbows.

that's what my babies will be made of.

but this, folks, is not my miracle month.

xoxo

for T

i don't think i ever knew how much i loved you until october 20, 2009.

i felt my heart grow three sizes that day - one for each of my girls, and one for you, my sweet, strong, amazing husband. ill never forget the way you held your babies, how sweetly you spoke to them.

i promise ill give you earthbound angels too.

i know that i have not been easy to live with. but you have shown me that it is okay to cry and hurt and your support is invaluable. there were days when i didn't think i could make it another minute, thought i was going crazy from the pain. thank you for holding me and telling me it would be okay. for a while, i didn't believe you.

now i am starting to.

what happened isn't fair. it's horrible and it makes me want to throw up. i never pictured that something like this would happen to us, to our family. i wanted everything to be perfect. instead, we got kicked in the balls by life, but there is nobody i'd rather be laying on the ground with. we will get up...we're almost there.

we will try to have kids, but we won't be trying for a family, we'll be adding to ours. you and i baby, we're already family, and if all we get is each other that's just fine by me. you are my destination on this journey. everything else is just a cherry on top.

my husband almost always has a smile on his face (except for pictures.) he goes to lots and lots of extra school for fun! he took leg baths with me after we came home from the hospital and i was only allowed showers, and after i was allowed, he climbed in with me, held me while i cried and washed me.

he's been able to give me all he promised and then some, even though all i ever wanted was him.

the last three months, you know what he's gotten? a big. fat. weepy. grinch. definitely justified, but still.

some examples of what my husband has been subjected to in the past 3 months:

1. maternity underwear. yes, still. don't judge.

2. my inability to sleep, thus waking him during my various nighttime activities and pastimes (typing extra s l o w so i don't wake him now)

3. the 3 months days i haven't changed out of my pajamas (in my defense, nothing really fits...see #1)

4. the first two months when i really didn't wash my hair regularly

5. the right armpit...i really can't explain that one but it smells way worse that the left

6. my spot-on audio free cookie monster impersonation see #1 and #3

7. the first two months when all we had in the house was cookie crisp, cocoa krispies and milk. *sigh* im seeing a pattern here

8. piles and piles of dirty laundry and dishes

9. random, unexpected sobbing with unintelligible mumbling

10. glazey eyed wife who didn't hear him the first time

i promise you baby, ill be back to myself.

thank you for making my pudgy ass feel beautiful.

thank you for being you, even more wonderful and unpredictable than the man i married.

i love you

lukey

king of the castle for at least another year

3 months

today is three months since i gave birth to twins.

there are no diapers, no tiny outfits and there is no breastfeeding or crying.

okay there is crying, but none of that cute baby wah wah wah stuff. i have perfected the ugly cry. im beginning to resent all we went through to get pregnant and those five months i carried the girls. it seems as if it were all for nothing. sometimes it feels like it was so worth it, and other times i feel like i do right now, like it was a big damn joke and waste of my time.

so, why? why me and my husband and our families?

this sucks

now and later

ok things are not much better but i feel the need to write.

T is sick and has been for a week now. he started a new job (!) last week and got sick on his first day :( he struggled through the week and just crashed as soon as the weekend got here. he never gets sick and has just been so weak and tired. it was an unfortunate distraction, but a distraction nonetheless, so i spent some of my time this long weekend taking care of him instead of feeling sorry for myself.
thankfully he is feeling much better tonight, maybe that's why the pity party started up again?

i have been a mess basically on and off. not just because of saturday, i think that's just when i acknowledged it, or my subconscious did anyway.

i know that grief does not follow a straight line and that even though im stuck in a valley right now, a peak is not too far off. hopefully, anyway.
sleeping has been especially rough the past few months days and im not sure if that is a cause or a result of my current unstable emotional state.

i have also been reading a lot about others journeys, most of them stifled attempts at family building as well. add a couple of poorly placed humane society commercials in and its no wonder there aren't any cookies left. or tissues. they say misery loves company. i have never ever felt better hearing someone else's troubles. it just makes things worse for me, makes the whole deal seem that much more unfair.

i should find out this week if i got a job. not just a job, the job. the one that will finally make use of not only my my dazzling personality and inherent intelligence, but my college degree and all that extra fancy and expensive paid-for mortgaged knowledge! it is also the job that will allow me to greatly contribute to our financial growth as a family and has the insurance plan that will help our family grow in other ways too, god willing. T's place has a great plan too, but id rather get the job and both great paychecks and insurances. (the shitstorm that was 2009 has made me a little greedy, and rightfully so if you ask me.)

the only catch is that if i get this job i'll be commuting north an hour (hour and a half some days) away for training for three months, then ill be placed either up there, 45 minutes away (also north) or 5 minutes away!
obviously i don't want to have to commute long term, but i will because the opportunity is that good. if i do have to commute though, i have no idea how we will be able to do anything fertility related, as my REs office is 40 mintues south of our home.

so this is where i let it all go. i tried before to make plans and we all know how that ended. im just crossing my fingers that i get the job. i can't think of anything that would help more than to be able to wake up with a purpose, learn new things and start on a fresh path.

sweet and sour

we had a nice visit with family today. our cousins were away during christmas and we were making up for lost time together. it was great to see the little ones, and how big they are getting. we have a big italian family and in between bites we manage to have fifteen conversations going at the same time. its just a wonderful way to spend a day. i made this for dessert and it came out really well!

since the fam was hangin, we got a chance to skype with my brother, his wife, and little A. it was nice to see them, and my sil's bday was yesterday so since i had missed that, it was a good chance to get my belated greetings in.

little A looked soo cute today. at almost 3 months, he was trying to focus on the computer screen and i think he saw us a few times. he is just a little pumpkin and i love to see him in my brother's arms, but today it was soo hard to see them. i don't know why or how, but it all hit me really hard and fast and i lost it (thankfully not in front of them.)

now im not jealous of other people and their babies. i think that is a huge misconception people have about those of us who have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having real live babies, etc. we don't want your babies! we want our own. tell us when you get pregnant instead of waiting so long! talk about being pregnant in front of us, its ok! we will be happy for you, and happy you let us in on it. there's nothing worse than finding out your best friend is 4 months pregnant and everyone else knew but you. trust me, it sucks.

anyway i got off track. its not jealousy, i don't know what it is, but today it just really hurt to see the baby. maybe because i saw the changes in him from last time? whatever it was, it really took away from being able to visit with my brother and that sucks. i just feel so empty and im sick of it. my mom hugged me and told me "it will happen" and i know that it will eventually. that's not why i was upset either. i know that im lucky that i can get pregnant, my IVF did work. lots of people can't even get that far.

im just stuck on how horribly unfair this hand ive been dealt is. maybe if i lived in haiti for 2 hours, i would feel differently, id be able to get past this.
but i live here and my house is warm and there is food in the fridge but my belly and my nursery are empty.
and my damn heart is broken.

*update*
yes, watching poor hatians fight tooth and nail for high energy biscuits has given me some much-needed perspective...god help those people and give them the grace they need to keep them from violence in this already turbulent time. my heart is still broken but, god, yes, it could be so much much worse. i still have my family and my home and hope for the future. im not sure these people have that luxury. my prayers go to them today.

pictures of you

we went in for the embryo transfer on June 19th. that morning i woke up to the sweet sounds of the cure. i had never been too much of a fan, just what i heard on the radio, but T is and he couldn't have picked a better soundtrack to accompany all the feelings i was having that morning. i remember hope and excitement, a little bit of wariness (the last IUI hadn't gone well. read: searing pain and unsympathetic doctor)

but not much. i knew that it was going to be a good day.

when we got to the clinic, there was lots and lots of paper to sign.
lots and lots of water to drink as well.

then i saw this:

the first picture of our children! who would have thought that a picture of cells could inspire such love in two hearts? i told T that one was a boy and one was a girl (this was back when we thought it actually mattered what sex your children were) and clutched the picture to my chest during the transfer, which went really well and was painless.

9 days later we saw this:

and this:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then when my beta came back at #547 and then #1981 we knew it wasn't just one. the day the ultrasound confirmed twins we saw double rainbows in the sky:

(sorry for the power lines but this is the best pic i could get of that elusive second rainbow.)

i took those rainbows as a promise, a sign, a confirmation that this was a good thing.
and so i believed it would be. it was a sweet sweet time those first couple of weeks. i will always remember how i felt when i saw my embryos, my positive pregnancy test, those rainbows!

things i thought i'd never see.
little did i know i was destined to see much, much more than i ever could have imagined on this journey.
some good, some bad.
some more horrible than most of you can imagine.

ill not share a picture of my girls. not because i don't think they are beautiful, they were unbelievably so. (though i do think pictures of them would be easier to look at had they been taken a little sooner in the day.) but because they are mine and T's and our little family's. not meant for the eyes of all of the internet.

i will, however, share the most beautiful little sculptures i bought to memorialize the girls. i stumbled across them on ebay

i love that they are both a little bit different, and that Juliet is a tiny bit bigger than Ayla, as it was when they were born. they are just perfect. amanda even inscribed their birthday on the bellies.

all these images make me smile. they also make me cry a little bit. i never ever would give up one minute of what ive been through because i wouldn't have my girls. the day we go in for our FET (because Ayla and Juliet have 3 little brother and sister-sicles) ill take all of these moments and feelings with me. i'll take my babies with me.

i'll know that no matter what happens, we'll always be a family.

ugh

frustrated today.

first of all blogger wont let me upload photos all of a sudden which stinks because i was working on an image-loaded post

secondly, i woke up to an email from an old friend who works at my obgyn office. we were never really that close, just hung out at the bar together when we were younger.
we don't keep in touch that often, but she was always there to help when i needed copies of my last HSG, laproscopy etc.

she was writing to ask about how my pregnancy was going...

it's going well, no? no. not well. i felt bad telling her, bad that she asked.
im sorry to tell people of my misfortune, how does that work?

maybe if that office wasn't such a bunch of pricks she'd have known what was up. anyway she was beyond sweet and it was nice to hear from her, from somebody! it seems that when people don't know what to say, they just don't say anything. and that sucks!

next up was calling the hospital to see if there has been any change on the status of my records. apparently they are waiting for a doctor to sign off on them or something so that they can send me and my RE a copy. i understand that this is protocol, but i need those records. i have to know what happened. im praying its something simple and clear, not inconclusive.
even though i understand, waiting and having to keep calling is really depressing me. its just a constant reminder that my babies died. no, i wont forget once i have my records, but it will be easier to plan and move forward.

thats what is killing me now, no plan. i need a plan.

oh yeah and this extra 10 pounds is also frustrating. im 5 feet tall and i weigh only 5 pounds less than when i was 5 months pregnant with twins. i lost lots of weight quickly after they were born, but it looks like someone is an emotional eater, and damned if cookies don't make me feel a little bit better.

foreshadowing

i mentioned earlier that i lost my job when my boss found out i was 8 weeks pregnant with twins. even though i had told her we were doing IVF, she remarked "i didn't think it would happen so soon."
well thanks for the support and go fuck yourself. 10 years of being a great employee apparently means nothing.

she knew my husband was already unemployed, having been laid off from his dream job because he was the last one hired when the economy turned.
so we were unemployed together.

after a while, i fell into a nice routine:
*wake up at 930
*breakfast
*puke
*bath
*instant breakfast (usually i could hold this down, esp if i made it with vanilla soy milk. the girls did NOT like dairy until about 16 weeks)
*chill w T
*lunch
*puke
*back in bed to watch 'a baby story' from 1-3 pm
*nap during 'a baby story'
*wake up
*eat
*puke
*couch til bedtime

now i was able to rest because i was home, but the constant worry about health insurance and money was rough. T was always on the computer filling out those horrible job applications that take an hour to complete each. i applied for state insurance but had this asshole case worker who was either never at her desk or would claim she would call me back and never did.

my doctors office told me i could no longer be seen there without insurance and would have to go to a clinic. (right after the doctor had told me that they couldn't bill me til after delivery so i shouldn't have any problem with billing. wrong.) that was at 17 weeks. i. lost. it. i thought for sure that we would never get coverage and be saddled with the cost of a twin delivery and possible NICU stay. silly girl, you really thought you would get to bring your babies into this world in a normal way!

anyway, i dragged my ass up to the clinic and signed up for care at the first appointment they could give me. 19 weeks. when i was supposed to go back to my real doctor.
(NOT a pregnancy visit, this was just to fill out paperwork and such)
i almost passed out in their waiting room. the nurse said it was just my blood pressure and its normal.**

i remember how much i loved my belly that week especially. it was getting so big and i felt really cute in my new maternity shirt.

we were scheduled for an anatomy scan and appt the next week.

we didn't make it.

**oh i didn't mention the lightheadedness? by this point in my pregnancy, i couldn't walk through a store or anywhere really without getting tunnel vision and feeling like i was going to pass out. on T's birthday, a gracious store employee at my favorite grocery store found me sitting on the floor in front of my cart at 10 am. i was so determined to give T a nice birthday dinner, but in hindsight i wish i just ordered some pizzas.
i wonder if all those times i felt that way had anything to do with my preterm labor, because the worst of it all was the day i went into the hospital. T had an interview coming up the next day so we went to the big big home fixin' store so he could do some research on cabinets or something. i forget.
my sister was with us and i only went in because i had to pee. turns out the bathroom was miles away from where we came in and by the time we were halfway there i could feel myself slipping away. long story short, i never actually fell down, but T found us by the customer service desk with me in a swivel chair my sister ordered someone to bring me. she was great, and now i realize i was already in labor by that point.

god i wish i could have a do over. i don't know what i could have done, but i would do anything for a different ending to this story.
(i don't know if i should believe that it was normal what was happening to me. we did mention it to the nurse at the second hospital and she said it was. it just didn't feel that way.)

i know its irrational to feel this way but god, can't i just wake up and have my babies back? ill do better this time. i promise.

my happy place

i haven't written my birth story yet. i want to but the sheer overload of emotion that will result is something i am not ready for.

im doing better this week! not ready to wallow. maybe next time im having a rough time, ill channel my energy into that.

something happened though, right after the doctor came in with the little pink pill she ground into paste and rubbed into my cervix. (thanks to morphine i don't remember its name)

i laid back on the bed, shut my eyes hard and gave in. i knew there was really no going back now and i would meet my daughters that night. i should have cried. i hadn't done much of that since the doctor at the first hospital told us that i was 4cm dilated with membranes bulging. T climbed into bed with me and we both just sobbed. from there on out though, i was stoic. trying so hard to concentrate on keeping them in.

now they were on their way out, and i didnt cry. i closed my eyes, went to the beach and heard the beginning of this song, clear as day. (thanks again morphine, you didnt help the pain but you did succeed at making me impossibly high)



i love jack johnson. he makes me smile. i am a big fan of his music and i know a lot of his songs. why my subconcious chose this one, ill never know, but i remember the peace i felt in that moment of hopelessness. its an amazing memory.

i closed my eyes, rubbed my belly and waited.

today

so trying to get back into the swing of things is hard after a crushing loss...the layers of grief have started to relent a bit and slowly i am seeing a difference in myself.

three months later...

i am no longer a puddle of mush on the couch.

i am not losing it at every love song i hear.
i am not okay. and i never will be okay.
today, though, i can breathe and i can think.

i took this breath of fresh air and decided to send a care package to my nephew who was born the day after my girls. if that ain't the fucking definition of bittersweet i dont know what is. anyway he is adorable and looks just like my big bro. i haven't met him yet. this pumpkin lives far far away but i love him and i squish his cheeks skype-style whenever i can. i sent him a few of the things i had bought when i was pregnant, exactly a week before i went into labor when i was finally feeling secure in my pregnancy. wtf is wrong with me? who that is pregnant with twins feels secure at 20wks? anyhoo, i sent a cute little tummy time mat and a couple of clothing items that weren't gender specific. i also burned a few of my very favorite naptime CDs for them.

it was hard for my brother when i lost the girls. shit, im sure i could switch out the word 'brother' for almost anyone i know and that sentence would read true, but i know that he and his wife took it especially to heart. they had struggled with infertility as well, and after a miscarriage she had finally gotten pregnant on her last chance IUI before IVF. we were looking forward to parenting together. my brother and i spent hours on the phone discussing the horrors of cribs with drop sides, our car seat preferences, breast pumps for god's sake. 3000 miles were melting away as we set out to face parenting together, and kick its ugly ass. we had kicked infertility together and we could not wait for the next chapter in our life to bring us closer than we'd ever been.

 i know that when they cried as they looked into little newborn A's eyes for the first time, a couple of tears were for me and T and our little-family-that-was. im sure they felt bad that i didnt have that for myself. but the truth is i didn't miss out on that moment. i gave birth to my girls and was able to experience the wonder of what that phrase means. i had been so scared of it, of the pain, but now. now i know what parents know, how their words feel when they speak of their child, why their eyes shine. the pain is nothing compared to what happens afterwards. it's heaven on earth, at the risk of sounding cliche, it is the closest thing to euphoria i've ever felt.

seeing my girls, holding them, my heart found it's purpose.
in those few moments i realized that you don't really know what love-LOVE-love! is until you have a child.

even if they die moments later.

that's when you realize you had no idea what heartbreak is.

when i was pregnant, i had a hard time with topics like this. i even stopped reading one blog because i couldn't bear the reality of what this poor family went through. today, i write about my dead babies and i understand how macabre and upsetting that may be to some. i never thought this would be my reality but they were brought into being with positivity and love and i don't dwell on how i lost them but how awed i was by carrying them inside of me, protecting them, and finally holding them in my arms. i thank them for making me a mother and i thank god and all that is right in the world for the glimpse into all that word encompasses.

there is a quiet place in my shattered heart that will always adore that day, despite its abject mutilation of everything good and safe in this world.

and in that little part of my heart, i replay the day they were born, the day i became a mother, and there is nothing but celebration and light

because in that tiny spot lives my daughters' birthday.

back to you

it has been 7 months since i posted here
in the past seven months i have:

• seen a double rainbow and a double line on my pee stick
• lost my job for being doubly pregnant
• been so sick i couldn't see straight
• been so big i couldn't see my feet
• oohed and ahhed over adorable ultarasound pics
• became a mom 
• "lost" my baby girls +
• forgot how to sleep
• loved my husband more that i ever thought possible
• truly realized the meaning of heartbreak

+ i hate the term. the only time they have ever been away from me is in the week we waited for their ashes. they were born and died, never lost