chances are

i woke up mid-dream a couple mornings ago. i was having a conversation with a friend who was upset that she got her period and wasn't pregnant that month. that part is a little hazy, and i definitely don't recall anything before then. i was in a really deep sleep.

but somehow as i was being pulled out of my slumber by the alarm, i heard myself say loud and clear,  but you can try again next month. 

and she can

who knows if she even is trying for a second child, that's not really the part that gave me pause. certainly in real life i would have been sympathetic and offered some encouragement! in my dream though, i spoke only the patent truth - she could try every month if she wanted to. and not just her! no so many others are spending money and time and taking this or putting something on or in or pulling that out to avoid what so many of us long for.

just a chance

my husband and i have been married for almost three years, trying for more than four.

my husband and i have had three chances at pregnancy

3

i am not counting IUI as i knew my very constitution negates the process. if eggs were able to get where they needed to be, we would have been successful by then. they were not chances. i did not wait two week's time in hope and excitement until it was time to pee on a stick. i submitted because that's the way this game is played. ok MR. RE, here ya go, take your best shot. Clomid? sure, you know what? ILL TAKE DOUBLE. nice try.

three. chances.

but so much hope besides. i read recently on cdg's blog where she spoke about the early months being the hardest. back when we thought it really could work! this is the month! and it never did, and it never was.

i think those early disappointments are akin to a failed assisted cycle every month. because you were not only mourning another lost month, wondering how many more you would suffer, but you were so confused with feelings of hope, maybe next month and fear it might not work next month either.

because your body didn't work and you didn't know why. you felt betrayed by something, but not entirely sure what. possibly everything you had ever held certain. this murky, scary place leads to an unknown sorrow, the depths of which almost no one understands. thank god above for those who do.

but you know what? i am ever grateful for the chances T and i have created for ourselves. that's how it works, you know, on this side of the great divide. we make our chances happen, so they are even more precious in the end.

i was driving through the portion of my city that i would never want to live in yesterday, looking around and as always, feeling lucky for my life and my health. i wound up, as per usual, worrying for those inside the too-small houses on dirty streets. i wondered if any of them were sick, needed medicine or care. wondered about the girl who goes to work her minimum wage/no benefits job every day and tries, with her husband, every month. will she ever get her chance? or will she live forever with the post script she could never have children, you know following her name.

maybe if she just had a chance?

so it is my goal to start being more positive about my chance. some still remain, and even if they don't produce the results i so long for, i will remember those who went without and i will choose to be grateful.