i haven't been able to formulate a whole post on anything, but thoughts keep rolling through my head like waves, things i want to say, thoughts i want to keep and thoughts i want to banish forever.
its so strange how the fabric of my life has come to be woven with such anguish and so much love. if this is strength, i will pray for weakness.
some of the fleeting thoughts:
i love that i can have a whole conversation with my brother about IF and he understands every word, though i don't love the reasons why our conversation comes with ease.
we went to dinner with T's parents and 2 of our nieces and our nephew on sunday. towards the end of the meal i realized why everyone at the other tables was smiling at us, at me.
we have been talking about baby/child names a lot lately. we loved our girl's names so very much and never thought we'd find another name we feel that strongly about. we did, a girls name, and shared it with T's mom. turns out it is his grandmother's middle name and maybe we will be able to give her a namesake someday. i hope she is here to see it.
my birthday is on november 11. for as long as my IF journey has been, i have been telling myself i will be happy if i have my baby by 11/11/11. i used to be confident that i would. im not right now.
im so thankful to have a job that keeps my brain busy. i am able to get to work, log on, and worry about other people's problems all day.
i wish i had something to keep my mind busy in the car. that's where it all seems to hit me. i just think about the little girls that should be in my backseat, craning to see each other over the sides of their car seats. instead its just me, waiting to feel them in the sunlight.
anyone want to go to lily dale with me?
i made T put the baby and maternity clothes containers upstairs so i don't have to look at them every day. he started to ask why we couldn't leave them downstairs because there is more room down there but by the time he got the last word out, he realized why and he almost dropped the question mark off the end of the sentence.
i want to be able to look at a pregnant woman or baby clothes or items in a store and not make it about me. i want to be able to walk through this world without getting the wind knocked out of me because other people are procreating or need to buy diapers. i wish i knew how. i am trying.
i have an IRL friend who is on her 8th cycle of injectables, her first IVF. she had her first beta today and her clinic (my old RE) won't tell her if she's preg until after thurs blood test! i never heard of such a thing. i am holding hope for her.
we will try IVF again in october, i think. my husband may not be here for my next IVF cycle. i need to think about this and i can't wrap my brain around it. it makes me sad.
i almost went to a baby shower last weekend. it would have been the only one in four years since my childhood best friend's last april. (i made an exception for her. i cried through the whole thing, though more because her mom wasn't there than for myself, though im sure people weren't thinking that). i almost went to this shower because my friend has suffered a miscarriage (we told each other the same day of our pregnancies and her baby's heartbeat was gone the next day at 6.5 wks) and the loss of the twin of the baby she is carrying now. it is sad and fucked up that those horrible things that happened to her made me feel a little bit better about her pregnancy. that makes me feel like a bad, or damaged person. who thinks like that? her horrors make it okay for me to accept her success? and why do i feel okay with people who have succeeded with treatments' pregnancies? like they had to go through hell for me to feel better. i feel like an asshole about that.
anyway, i didn't go. mostly because i had to sit with nana. also because i couldn't. i can't go to baby showers.
please tell me a.) im not alone in feeling these ways and b.) that it eventually gets better
i don't want to live bitter and jealous.
i want to go home.
22 comments:
Though (as you know) I have not even been through a millimeter of what you have, I DO feel the same way. My cousins wife gets knocked up on their honeymoon. First month of trying. I think EFF YOU. Even though I'm pregnant too. A coworker get pregnant in the weeks after her wedding...weeks after losing her virginity. I'm LIVID. I feel like their pregnancy doesn't 'count' and it's a struggle to be truly happy for them.
*sigh* I feel like such a bitch for these feelings, but I don't care.
I don't know if it gets better, but you're definitely not alone. I will go to Lily Dale with you. Say the word. :)
You're not alone. I haven't suffered loss but I am still suffering the loss of the genetic child. Your description of getting the wind knocked out of you watching someone else buy diapers is so me...so no, you're not alone.
I'm right there with you. I'm on an upswing, but I still have those horrible thoughts about other people's pregnancies sometimes...
*hugs*
It gets better. It never goes away, though. Even when things are good, the fear is still there. I've never been a religious person, but I remind myself often now to have faith.
The alone times get better, too.
You are not alone. I have those feelings all the time. They were I guess "delayed or hiding?" during the adoption especially towards the end, but they came back. I can't even go near a children's section in the store, can't stand pregnant women, can't look at baby photos, can't stand Facebook and all the children related crap on there, have such anger and bitterness towards everyone. It is so ugly and I hate it. I want to go home too. I want to go back to the time when I worried about stupid shit such as what we would have for dinner, or what movie we would watch. Now I can't stop worrying about if we will ever have a baby, and I could give a crap if we eat dinner, never the less what we eat. You are not alone and anytime you want to talk just email me. twodogmama@gmail.com
You're defininetly not alone...the last few days I've been walking around so certain that failure is just around the corner. Last week I was certain we'll be successful and this week not so much. All I hope is that we'll make it out of here in one piece!! Take care...lots of hugs today and hoping for better days SOON!!!
It is totally NORMAL to feel that way. I haven't gone to baby showers/parties in a long time. Some days I think I am ready to go, but others it is the last thing I want to do. It does get better, but I won't lie, it doesn't go away.
I do find that when I am not currently cycling, that is when I feel the worst and pregnancies/babies seem to affect me the most.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. It sucks. I'm here as always for you and thinking of you.
never alone. ((hugs))
ugh i want to go home too, but home has been wiped out by tornado babyloss beyond repair. your definitely not alone with the way you feel, thinking of you and sending love xxx
You are definately not alone. Everytime I see my bosses daughter who is a month older than Cady should be, or hear another birth or pregnancy announcement, well let's just say its not pretty.
I hope it gets better soon
You're not bad for finding consolation in other people's difficult pregnancies. It makes you feel better because it reminds you that you are not alone, and that if it can happen for them, it can therefore happen for you.
Why won't your husband be around for your next IVF??
Oh, also, I meant to say, a year and a half ago, on my birthday, a coworker had a baby boy and we went to go meet him in the hospital. Holding that baby, I was close to tears with jealousy, because I wanted a baby so badly. And that was after NO still births, or miscarriages or failed IVF cycles.
So I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you.
The car is my crying place too. maybe because it is when i am alone. Some days I dread the car, other days I seek comfort in it. There is a box of tissues that stays in the front seat.
all I can offer you is that so many things you say are shared by so many of us.
you definitely are not alone, lis. i promise. and it will get better because it *has* to. (hugs)
I don't know if it gets better but you are definately not an asshole. I feel the same way about people who had to undergo treatment to get pregnant versus those who were lucky enough to get pregnant "naturally." I think that is just the way its going to be- and talking to my friends on the other side of IF- that feeling doesn't go away.
don't feel badly about skipping baby showers. these friends might *want* you there, but they certainly don't *need* you there, esp if your need to protect yourself outweighs their need to have 40 friends at the shower vs 39. for me, when i'm on the subway is when i really have time to think, and that's mostly when the tears come. i'm terrified that a coworker will see me crying on the train one day and i'll just be beyond mortified.
hang in there. sending you huge hugs :o)
"who thinks like that?"
this is so normal. normal, normal, normal. i have those thoughts about other people's pregnancies. in fact, i've never gone to another person's baby shower. ever. do not feel bad about skipping baby showers.
thx for visiting my blog. your girls ... beautiful.
Oh Lis. Whenever I get upset, since I was a kid, I've always sniffled 'I want to go home.' I don't even know quite where it is I want to go any longer but I still say it.
I get bitter and jealous and I am very, very little right to be. I'm hoping it will ease in time. Strange some pregnancies haven't troubled me at all. Others, well they have. I'm dreading the next twin pregnancy that comes along, that is going to sting.
Lovely about the name. Makes it all seem perfect somehow. x
I had a friend who I had known since high school who was going through IF. She dropped me like a hot potato when she found out I was expecting my second child.
After my son was born, this "friend" heard on the grapevine that he had been born with unexpected complications that were very scary at the time. Once she heard about out troubles, she tried to be friendly again because in her mind, my child and I were now worthy of her grace.
No thanks.
I know it's very easy to succomb to the group think that it is ok to hate the preggos but these people are just as human as you are.
It is not ok to drop friends for being pregnant. It is not ok to vent about them on a blog or call them names behind their backs simply because there are feelings of jealousy. And it is certainly not ok to try to wiggle back into good graces or condone one's bad behavior when something goes cruelly wrong in their pregnancy.
People are telling you it's ok to feel these feelings, maybe it is but it is not ok to act on them.
Women could rule the world if we weren't so mean to each other.
nah, lisa, she probably dropped you like a hot potato because you're an asshole. yup, that's it.
wow, what a cruel and unnecessary comment. lis made it clear in this post that she finds her own reactions hard to deal with and is trying to move forward. how heartless to tell lisa that what she feels is not ok.
have you ever lost a baby at 17 or 20 or 23 weeks of pregnancy? have you ever lost a baby who was full term and perfect? if not then you don't know what you're talking about. and i don't know why you feel the need to come and talk to people who have lost babies they wanted so desperately that they are bad people. haven't you got something better to do?
maybe your friend found it extremely painful to cope with your pregnancy while coping with the fact she may never go through it. maybe she felt guilty about that when she heard about the complications and wanted to be there for you. maybe she was just trying to be nice.
or maybe lis is just right.
on balance i think she is.
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