silent

all is quiet and the house is mostly dark. im waiting for my husband to come home. oh, how i've missed him this week!

i need to thank you for your sweet comments and remembrances in the name of my daughters. they will always be with me, always close. that wasn't enough for me for a long time. one of the many signs that things are progressing. slowly, slightly, day by day. 

life moves on. 
i am changed. 
most of the change was sudden, immediate, breathtaking and miserable.
the realization though was painstakingly measured, revealing itself to me only when i was ready to accept a new piece of this sickening wonder i call reality. 

T would tell you it was mad real when he was smelling that right armpit.


but boy, if it didn't take me some time re-arrange the pieces of myself to at least a semblance of what i used to be, leaving room for what i have grown into and what is left to come. and in doing that i have realized the beauty in what i have been through. the value in two little lives who came through me and made this world, my life, and my love better.


im lucky.
you may not understand that and that's ok. but some of you will, and you will smile.
im smiling today. 


there is relief in passing the due date. the vigil feels like it's supposed to end here. it always did. 
this is the last day that this date will matter to me. 
from here on out. it will be just a day that holds the possibilities of any other.


if you have some time (and god knows, i don't) please head over to see astral at it is written in the stars...she is preparing for her first retrieval tomorrow morning! also go see brandy at a mother's love. she is trying for a rainbow baby and her transfer is in the morning!