random

first i want to apologize to beckie at beckie's infertility journey 
somehow she is not in my blog list but is in my reader. and i know she was on my blogroll before. sorry beckie, i realized the other day after i wrote the post with the awards, meant to put you in and it slipped my mind again during the hours and hours of mind numbing studying i have been doing. i want you to have both awards even though i know you were given one already.


so that brings us to work....
i have been sitting in a room all week with no windows. i have been moving my feet a lot to try and keep circulation going. in the past five days i have taken in and processed more information than in the most involved of my graduate courses. i am commuting (1 hr each way) to a new city, making new friends and acquaintances and becoming new myself. i am paying way too much for parking, tolls, and COFFEE. it's ridiculous that i spent 3 and a half months trying to get to sleep and now i can't keep my eyes open.


life just goes on.

im trying to keep up. im so glad that no one there knows of my misfortune, of the past 4 months of agony. im just trying to keep my head above water and so far, thankfully, its working.  
i am seeing the opportunity in my new job and it seems to be too good to pass up. i want to do well and succeed there and i believe that i can and will. 

*****
i spoke to the RE on tuesday night. i was looking forward to the call because i thought it would put my mind at ease. i was wrong. :o(
he basically said that he has almost no experience with this occurring and told me more than once how it only happens in 1% of pregnancies. he wants me to see one of the perinatologists that treated me in the hospital because he thinks they will be able to give me more information on what caused the infection, either through reading my medical records (im 99% sure it's not in there) or running tests. he also wants to take some cultures to see if i currently have any infections. im surprised because anyone who has done IVF knows that you (and your husband!) have an extensive communicable disease workup before you are even allowed to plan for your protocol. also, i was in the hospital for 3 days on antibiotics. so im thinking not much could survive that heavy duty stuff they gave me at the hospital, but what do i know? he's the doctor.

now that i don't have access to him i have a ton of questions running through my head. he wants to test for BV (which i have had in the past. it is an extremely unpleasant infection and you pretty much KNOW when you have it...the girls who have  KNOW what im talking about and i won't discuss because it's almost dinnertime). 
but now im wondering what else he wants to test for so i can ask dr. google about it.


he is a wonderful doctor. i was amazed by his knowledge on the subject of ART. he simply said that he doesn't know much about chorioamnionitis. and here i was thinking that this loss was just an unlucky fluke, not a super duper rare, almost unheard of issue. *sigh*


he did say that i would probably be required to take antibiotics for most or all of my pregnancy the next time. i just was hoping for him to say he was sorry, it happens, and i want you to do this. or that. before an FET.

i feel a TTC break coming on.


*****

so many of you know too well the ache that comes along with the unfulfilled desire of TTC and loss. im so sick of it and even as it ebbs and flows, i carry it with me always. i wish i could rise above it, live for the moment every moment, but im only human. 
damn how human i have been this year.


so since i most of you know what i mean i don't have to explain how hard i have to try and block out the people talking about their babies at work and the so very many pregnant women i see everyday. i wish these things didn't get to me, and most of the times i can block them out/rationalize with myself and i don't let it upset me.
but, GOD, it just gets to be comical at times! how can i ALWAYS get stuck alone in the elevator with someone who looks like her water is about to break? 


CMON UNIVERSE, I GET IT