mine

cell phone pic, but it was just so sweet i had to share it with you all. for those of you who don't know, my nephew little A was born the day after my girls on his true due date. i felt so guilty for my girls being born the day before him. i didn't want their birth/death to overshadow the precious gift of his life.

 on october 21st, we spoke to my brother who was in the hospital with his new baby boy, finally a father after 3 years of trying and infertility treatments. he was hurting so bad for us while falling in love with his little boy. T and i were both aching emotionally, mentally lost and the pain of having just given birth was settling in as the medications wore slowly off.

such a muddle of emotions for everyone in the family. no one knew what to do, how to feel or which end was up. 

  

that night we congratulated and cried and welcomed little A to the world, then we hung up the phone and drove home in the dark, empty and somber. all that was left of the dream and stark reality that was our girls filled a white shoebox that someone had decorated with fancy baby stickers. 

at the time, i was unable to embrace my new status as aunt. the timing and juxtaposition of the two events was just too much for me to handle. i put the blanket i had made the night before i went into labor in the mail and forgot that the whole west coast even existed for a while. 

then i went there in february. one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, and one of the first times i admitted to myself that my pregnancy was over. i was holding onto that big belly and extra weight tight, just hoping hard and so so deep in denial. 
ohh, that was a deep valley along the road of grief. 

i loved my time with him, even while there was a constant ache for what could and should have been. i loved him immediately and intensely from the first time i saw him. when he saw me he smiled and i felt some warmth creep in to my frozen heart. he knew who i was. and he knows who they are too. probably better than i do. lucky baby.

  i realized that the birth of little A was like the spring unfolding into bitter cold winds. 

a tiny pocket of hope placed just where our confidence had been, a glimmer, a glimpse at how oh-so-slowly and all-at-once life goes on. a promise of a better day, of love and life and family.

look at this beautiful healthy boy with a simple smile on his precious face. 

he is innocently mending so many shattered pieces of my heart.

at times you have to look hard to find a silver lining. but when it finds you it's remarkable. 

little A came into this world just when he was supposed to, for all of us. 

and we are so very lucky to have him.