it was (by) tomorrow that we should have found out Ayla Joy was her father's twin and Juliet Grace mine, in addition to the more likely pair the two of them had made.
tomorrow i will be just as many weeks unpregnant as i was pregnant 20 weeks ago.
and i cringe as i yearn to be freshly un-so, holding chubby babies and reveling in their sweetness, noting like and differences.
we should be counting fingers and toes and worrying about latching skills and gaining weight.
we should be admiring tiny outfits bought by mo mo.
they. should. be. here.
and we, we should all be somewhere else.
how in the world did we ever get here?
we have been where no one wants to go.
we are what everyone wants to talk about but no one wants to discuss.
we know what you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
but we also have moments to look back on and treasure forever.
ill never forget the delight of the first time i felt them push me from the inside.
ill always remember how lovely it was to hold them safe inside and have them all to myself. i always thought they were girls. i knew knew knew ayla was. and i always had a feeling that they both were. i was right.
then there were the moments when we first saw and held our children and as importantly, watched each other hold the children we had given to one another.
we will do that again, someday.
god willing, we will get to hold and not let go next time.
tonight, i remember our girls. they were more beautiful than anything you can imagine.
their daddy loved them more than he ever thought was possible, and so did i.
even when we knew them from only this far.
9 comments:
I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, and about your little ones who should be in your arms but will always be in your hearts.
Oh Lisa...thank you for sharing your beautiful words and thoughts and your beautiful amazing belly picture. I am so sorry your girls lives were too short and yes, they should be here. And I'm just so sad for you that they're not. They will never, ever be forgotten and your memories of them are beautiful. Any siblings they have (and they will!) are going to be lucky to have parents with hearts as big as yours.
Hang in there Lis. We are thinking of you.
your daughters were so loved and your words are a testament to that.
i continue to be amazed by how strong you are! be kind to yourself.
"there are days i drop words of comfort on myself like rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself"
Thinking of you.
Your babies are so loved. From far and from near. Every child I feel is now in my heart... Each angel shining down on you today and your girls smiling
I can't imagine how much you must miss them.
Oh Lisa...I cried while reading your post. I know this must have been an incredibly hard day for you. You are so strong and such an inspiration. I loved your belly pic too.
Hang in there. Your angels are watching over you and your DH. And your angels will be with you always.
Sending you big hugs and lots of love.
(((hugs)))
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