50

well...i am a chatty person, so im not really that surprised that i reached 50 posts in little over two months. 

what does surprise me is everything that has happened since i began feeling out loud in january. i thought i was doing so well when i started. god, so wrong and so blissfully ignorant about the ever changing story of grief.

when i think of what drove me to write, i want to cry. about a week before i wrote this post, i sat in T's arms on my mother's couch watching her and my sister decorate the christmas tree and weeping fat hot tears. i was supposed to be six months pregnant. i was 1 month un-so and the world was closing in on me to the holiday stylings of martina mcbride.

i almost went over the edge that day. i certainly peeked into the chasm and at once knew and fully understood that the choice was mine. stay or go.
i have never felt detached from myself, but that day i felt something unhinge. all i felt was death, all i saw was what was supposed to be. all i knew was that this was all so wrong, so very wrong. 

i almost lost my mind that day.

but i chose to stay, stay in this life, and think through this pained mind. i had to write, you see (can you feel the english majors nodding?) i had to get it out or i was going down that twisted road, and i wasn't coming back.
so when you say i am strong, i thank you. and i also thank my parents, my siblings, my husband, who loved me in that order. for it wasn't my own strength that kept me here that worst day, i know that if they hadn't raised and taught and loved me well, it would all have been gone. just. like. that.


so you see, i didn't set out on this unexpected labor of love for "followers" (hate that word), subscribers (how freakin cool), or to fit into the same category as those i have enjoyed reading for so long. meantime, this category that we are all lumped into, BLOWS. nobody wants to be a "grief blogger," nobody sets out to "get big" in the infertility blogosphere and that's kinda why i like it here. if mommyblogging is  picking out a new suit at banana republic, IF blogging is running into old navy to get a new pack of period panties.
i fit here. i can dump the worst of the worst on you, and even before you knew who i was you cared. that is a very easy thing to get used to, but i would never take it for granted. even though i thought i was here because i needed to write out loud, i guess im also here because i needed someone to read it. 

thank you for every time you read and sent me good thoughts, or took the time to comment. thank you for writing if you do. i love following each of you and making your story my own. i love to keep up with the chapters of your personal novels as my reader updates throughout the day. thank you for caring whether i stay or go. thank you ever so much for remembering my daughters to me.

and thank you to the person who found my site by searching for "tasty puffs" i hope you were not disappointed. 

"fifty!"  (*as polly*)