resolve to hope

i went to see the psychiatrist this morning. the two hours before i woke up were filled with that nervous half-sleep where you're sure you are late for your appointment or have slept through it. that was super fun and caused me to look at the clock every ten minutes or so to reassure myself that it was nowhere near wake up time. it would seem that i was a bit apprehensive.i got to the office at 10am sharp. the woman who scheduled my appointment had told me it was hard to find the office and that there wasn't a street sign. she was wrong on both counts. found it no problem and there was a sign, but im glad she was so willing to help me get there. its nice when people care more than they need to.

i decided to go in because i didn't want to sit in the car and waste gas and it was way too cold to sit without the heat. i have also become super addicted to my heated seats :o)
when i got there i was asked to fill out a series of tests that were used to assess my mental health. i finished them up by 10:15. i waited a while as i think they normally block more time than you need for the tests and i can totally see how people may not know how they are truly feeling in order to answer some of the questions. not me, i knew exactly where i fell on number scales and was able to find the exact explanations of how i felt on the pick a sentences.

the doctor was a pleasant man who asked me to explain a little bit about why i was there. i started to cry a bit and explained what has happened. we talked for a while, with him pausing to give affirmations or explain my feelings in more depth to me. it was nice to have someone tell me that what im feeling is understandable and even a little bit expected. he went through the battery of tests with me, showing me where i fell on the scales of obsessive compusive behavior, anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, depression and alcohol dependency.
i was a little higher than normal on anxiety, depression and OCD. 'not surprising,' he said 'given what you've been through.' for me, a sigh of relief. 

finally, my feelings were quantified and affirmed. i am suffering from what my doctor called 'complicated grief,' a condition in which normal grieving becomes all mixed up with feelings of anxiety and depression and the patient becomes unable to move on or find closure in the situation. i will start medication tomorrow morning and i am expected back to see a nurse in 3 weeks and the doctor in 7.
i can't tell you how relieved i am that i went today. i truly believe that i am giving myself the opportunity to move on in a positive way. i'm chasing happiness and peace. wish me luck...

*******
when T and i first started going to my RE's office, we both fell in love with one of the ladies behind the desk. joanne. she was so sweet and did her job well, but beyond that she went out of her way to get to know us, and was so sincere in her hopes for our success. she shared with us that many years ago she had conceived her children with our doctor through IUI. she had been there and it was refreshing to have someone who cared on the other side of the desk, phone etc.

i spoke to her again for the first time in probably almost a year. i called today to make an appointment for good friday. i explained what had happened and that i was counseled by the IVF nurse to make an appointment with the doctor before doing anything else. (as if i could do anything by myself. though if i had a straight tube and cooperating ovary, i may be tempted by those leftover vials of menopur :o) so joanne says, 'oh honey, im sure he will want to talk to you, let me have your number and he will call you the next time he does patient calls.' what? i have called these people no less that 6 times since october and told my sad story to the IVF nurse, the pregnancy nurse and just about every person who has answered this phone. nobody ever mentioned that he would call me at home. 'oh yes, honey, i know he will want to speak to you and that way you can see if he wants you to come in. let's go ahead and schedule you for his first appointment on good friday just in case. let me check your file and see if we got your medical records from the hospital.' i was on the phone with joanne for 15 minutes. she felt so bad for what T and i have been through. she told me it was horrible. i agreed. she wanted to help me and she did. thank you joanne. thank you so much.

if i could i would order a joanne for the doctors office of each of my friends. she seriously needs to teach a course: how to calm crazed patients like JOANNE or how to do your job with compassion like JOANNE. love that woman. so thanks to her i should be getting a call from my RE early next week. im looking forward to it. he is an amazing physician and i want to hear what he has to say. i hope he can make more sense of the medical records than i can. all i got out of it is that there was an infection. but i already knew that. 

so today belongs to hope and resolve. hope for my sanity and my relationships and resolve that they will grow stronger again as i regain my footing in the normal world. resolve that my medicine will help me to heal and my strength will complete the process. hope that joanne's spirit will catch on and someone will be inspired by her and strive to care half as much, and hope that my dear RE will have words of comfort and a plan for me, backed up by his years and years of medical research and experience. 
yes, today there is hope. it's about time.