we had a nice visit with family today. our cousins were away during christmas and we were making up for lost time together. it was great to see the little ones, and how big they are getting. we have a big italian family and in between bites we manage to have fifteen conversations going at the same time. its just a wonderful way to spend a day. i made this for dessert and it came out really well!
since the fam was hangin, we got a chance to skype with my brother, his wife, and little A. it was nice to see them, and my sil's bday was yesterday so since i had missed that, it was a good chance to get my belated greetings in.
little A looked soo cute today. at almost 3 months, he was trying to focus on the computer screen and i think he saw us a few times. he is just a little pumpkin and i love to see him in my brother's arms, but today it was soo hard to see them. i don't know why or how, but it all hit me really hard and fast and i lost it (thankfully not in front of them.)
now im not jealous of other people and their babies. i think that is a huge misconception people have about those of us who have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having real live babies, etc. we don't want your babies! we want our own. tell us when you get pregnant instead of waiting so long! talk about being pregnant in front of us, its ok! we will be happy for you, and happy you let us in on it. there's nothing worse than finding out your best friend is 4 months pregnant and everyone else knew but you. trust me, it sucks.
anyway i got off track. its not jealousy, i don't know what it is, but today it just really hurt to see the baby. maybe because i saw the changes in him from last time? whatever it was, it really took away from being able to visit with my brother and that sucks. i just feel so empty and im sick of it. my mom hugged me and told me "it will happen" and i know that it will eventually. that's not why i was upset either. i know that im lucky that i can get pregnant, my IVF did work. lots of people can't even get that far.
im just stuck on how horribly unfair this hand ive been dealt is. maybe if i lived in haiti for 2 hours, i would feel differently, id be able to get past this.
but i live here and my house is warm and there is food in the fridge but my belly and my nursery are empty.
and my damn heart is broken.
*update*
yes, watching poor hatians fight tooth and nail for high energy biscuits has given me some much-needed perspective...god help those people and give them the grace they need to keep them from violence in this already turbulent time. my heart is still broken but, god, yes, it could be so much much worse. i still have my family and my home and hope for the future. im not sure these people have that luxury. my prayers go to them today.
since the fam was hangin, we got a chance to skype with my brother, his wife, and little A. it was nice to see them, and my sil's bday was yesterday so since i had missed that, it was a good chance to get my belated greetings in.
little A looked soo cute today. at almost 3 months, he was trying to focus on the computer screen and i think he saw us a few times. he is just a little pumpkin and i love to see him in my brother's arms, but today it was soo hard to see them. i don't know why or how, but it all hit me really hard and fast and i lost it (thankfully not in front of them.)
now im not jealous of other people and their babies. i think that is a huge misconception people have about those of us who have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having real live babies, etc. we don't want your babies! we want our own. tell us when you get pregnant instead of waiting so long! talk about being pregnant in front of us, its ok! we will be happy for you, and happy you let us in on it. there's nothing worse than finding out your best friend is 4 months pregnant and everyone else knew but you. trust me, it sucks.
anyway i got off track. its not jealousy, i don't know what it is, but today it just really hurt to see the baby. maybe because i saw the changes in him from last time? whatever it was, it really took away from being able to visit with my brother and that sucks. i just feel so empty and im sick of it. my mom hugged me and told me "it will happen" and i know that it will eventually. that's not why i was upset either. i know that im lucky that i can get pregnant, my IVF did work. lots of people can't even get that far.
im just stuck on how horribly unfair this hand ive been dealt is. maybe if i lived in haiti for 2 hours, i would feel differently, id be able to get past this.
but i live here and my house is warm and there is food in the fridge but my belly and my nursery are empty.
and my damn heart is broken.
*update*
yes, watching poor hatians fight tooth and nail for high energy biscuits has given me some much-needed perspective...god help those people and give them the grace they need to keep them from violence in this already turbulent time. my heart is still broken but, god, yes, it could be so much much worse. i still have my family and my home and hope for the future. im not sure these people have that luxury. my prayers go to them today.
1 comments:
ok now i can comment.
just wanted to say that you can feel however you want, and you don't need for a second to feel like you're not allowed to feel sad or upset or angry just because someone, somewhere is also experiencing troubles or heartbreak that seems monumental. your feelings are yours, and you don't need to make any any any concessions.
love ya.
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