pictures of you

we went in for the embryo transfer on June 19th. that morning i woke up to the sweet sounds of the cure. i had never been too much of a fan, just what i heard on the radio, but T is and he couldn't have picked a better soundtrack to accompany all the feelings i was having that morning. i remember hope and excitement, a little bit of wariness (the last IUI hadn't gone well. read: searing pain and unsympathetic doctor)

but not much. i knew that it was going to be a good day.

when we got to the clinic, there was lots and lots of paper to sign.
lots and lots of water to drink as well.

then i saw this:

the first picture of our children! who would have thought that a picture of cells could inspire such love in two hearts? i told T that one was a boy and one was a girl (this was back when we thought it actually mattered what sex your children were) and clutched the picture to my chest during the transfer, which went really well and was painless.

9 days later we saw this:

and this:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then when my beta came back at #547 and then #1981 we knew it wasn't just one. the day the ultrasound confirmed twins we saw double rainbows in the sky:

(sorry for the power lines but this is the best pic i could get of that elusive second rainbow.)

i took those rainbows as a promise, a sign, a confirmation that this was a good thing.
and so i believed it would be. it was a sweet sweet time those first couple of weeks. i will always remember how i felt when i saw my embryos, my positive pregnancy test, those rainbows!

things i thought i'd never see.
little did i know i was destined to see much, much more than i ever could have imagined on this journey.
some good, some bad.
some more horrible than most of you can imagine.

ill not share a picture of my girls. not because i don't think they are beautiful, they were unbelievably so. (though i do think pictures of them would be easier to look at had they been taken a little sooner in the day.) but because they are mine and T's and our little family's. not meant for the eyes of all of the internet.

i will, however, share the most beautiful little sculptures i bought to memorialize the girls. i stumbled across them on ebay

i love that they are both a little bit different, and that Juliet is a tiny bit bigger than Ayla, as it was when they were born. they are just perfect. amanda even inscribed their birthday on the bellies.

all these images make me smile. they also make me cry a little bit. i never ever would give up one minute of what ive been through because i wouldn't have my girls. the day we go in for our FET (because Ayla and Juliet have 3 little brother and sister-sicles) ill take all of these moments and feelings with me. i'll take my babies with me.

i'll know that no matter what happens, we'll always be a family.