now and later

ok things are not much better but i feel the need to write.

T is sick and has been for a week now. he started a new job (!) last week and got sick on his first day :( he struggled through the week and just crashed as soon as the weekend got here. he never gets sick and has just been so weak and tired. it was an unfortunate distraction, but a distraction nonetheless, so i spent some of my time this long weekend taking care of him instead of feeling sorry for myself.
thankfully he is feeling much better tonight, maybe that's why the pity party started up again?

i have been a mess basically on and off. not just because of saturday, i think that's just when i acknowledged it, or my subconscious did anyway.

i know that grief does not follow a straight line and that even though im stuck in a valley right now, a peak is not too far off. hopefully, anyway.
sleeping has been especially rough the past few months days and im not sure if that is a cause or a result of my current unstable emotional state.

i have also been reading a lot about others journeys, most of them stifled attempts at family building as well. add a couple of poorly placed humane society commercials in and its no wonder there aren't any cookies left. or tissues. they say misery loves company. i have never ever felt better hearing someone else's troubles. it just makes things worse for me, makes the whole deal seem that much more unfair.

i should find out this week if i got a job. not just a job, the job. the one that will finally make use of not only my my dazzling personality and inherent intelligence, but my college degree and all that extra fancy and expensive paid-for mortgaged knowledge! it is also the job that will allow me to greatly contribute to our financial growth as a family and has the insurance plan that will help our family grow in other ways too, god willing. T's place has a great plan too, but id rather get the job and both great paychecks and insurances. (the shitstorm that was 2009 has made me a little greedy, and rightfully so if you ask me.)

the only catch is that if i get this job i'll be commuting north an hour (hour and a half some days) away for training for three months, then ill be placed either up there, 45 minutes away (also north) or 5 minutes away!
obviously i don't want to have to commute long term, but i will because the opportunity is that good. if i do have to commute though, i have no idea how we will be able to do anything fertility related, as my REs office is 40 mintues south of our home.

so this is where i let it all go. i tried before to make plans and we all know how that ended. im just crossing my fingers that i get the job. i can't think of anything that would help more than to be able to wake up with a purpose, learn new things and start on a fresh path.