my happy place

i haven't written my birth story yet. i want to but the sheer overload of emotion that will result is something i am not ready for.

im doing better this week! not ready to wallow. maybe next time im having a rough time, ill channel my energy into that.

something happened though, right after the doctor came in with the little pink pill she ground into paste and rubbed into my cervix. (thanks to morphine i don't remember its name)

i laid back on the bed, shut my eyes hard and gave in. i knew there was really no going back now and i would meet my daughters that night. i should have cried. i hadn't done much of that since the doctor at the first hospital told us that i was 4cm dilated with membranes bulging. T climbed into bed with me and we both just sobbed. from there on out though, i was stoic. trying so hard to concentrate on keeping them in.

now they were on their way out, and i didnt cry. i closed my eyes, went to the beach and heard the beginning of this song, clear as day. (thanks again morphine, you didnt help the pain but you did succeed at making me impossibly high)



i love jack johnson. he makes me smile. i am a big fan of his music and i know a lot of his songs. why my subconcious chose this one, ill never know, but i remember the peace i felt in that moment of hopelessness. its an amazing memory.

i closed my eyes, rubbed my belly and waited.