for T

i don't think i ever knew how much i loved you until october 20, 2009.

i felt my heart grow three sizes that day - one for each of my girls, and one for you, my sweet, strong, amazing husband. ill never forget the way you held your babies, how sweetly you spoke to them.

i promise ill give you earthbound angels too.

i know that i have not been easy to live with. but you have shown me that it is okay to cry and hurt and your support is invaluable. there were days when i didn't think i could make it another minute, thought i was going crazy from the pain. thank you for holding me and telling me it would be okay. for a while, i didn't believe you.

now i am starting to.

what happened isn't fair. it's horrible and it makes me want to throw up. i never pictured that something like this would happen to us, to our family. i wanted everything to be perfect. instead, we got kicked in the balls by life, but there is nobody i'd rather be laying on the ground with. we will get up...we're almost there.

we will try to have kids, but we won't be trying for a family, we'll be adding to ours. you and i baby, we're already family, and if all we get is each other that's just fine by me. you are my destination on this journey. everything else is just a cherry on top.

my husband almost always has a smile on his face (except for pictures.) he goes to lots and lots of extra school for fun! he took leg baths with me after we came home from the hospital and i was only allowed showers, and after i was allowed, he climbed in with me, held me while i cried and washed me.

he's been able to give me all he promised and then some, even though all i ever wanted was him.

the last three months, you know what he's gotten? a big. fat. weepy. grinch. definitely justified, but still.

some examples of what my husband has been subjected to in the past 3 months:

1. maternity underwear. yes, still. don't judge.

2. my inability to sleep, thus waking him during my various nighttime activities and pastimes (typing extra s l o w so i don't wake him now)

3. the 3 months days i haven't changed out of my pajamas (in my defense, nothing really fits...see #1)

4. the first two months when i really didn't wash my hair regularly

5. the right armpit...i really can't explain that one but it smells way worse that the left

6. my spot-on audio free cookie monster impersonation see #1 and #3

7. the first two months when all we had in the house was cookie crisp, cocoa krispies and milk. *sigh* im seeing a pattern here

8. piles and piles of dirty laundry and dishes

9. random, unexpected sobbing with unintelligible mumbling

10. glazey eyed wife who didn't hear him the first time

i promise you baby, ill be back to myself.

thank you for making my pudgy ass feel beautiful.

thank you for being you, even more wonderful and unpredictable than the man i married.

i love you