explaining

when i first started writing here, i thought i would chronicle my IVF journey. i was so hopeful for a chance at actually getting some sperm to my eggies (!) and i though i was a little scared, i felt oh-so-blessed to be able to have the money to try. we paid for our IVF with our 2008 tax return. thank god ultrasounds and bloodwork were covered by my insurance or we would really have struggled.

i didn't end up doing what i set out to do. we tried to make our IVF as private as possible. to really take those two weeks and not clutter them up with the stuff of life, but to put all our energy into being with one another and keeping positive thoughts. we didn't make too many plans outside of the house and besides work and shots, we kinda took it easy, and i never ended up returning to chronicle after those first few days. it was a real experience in bonding for T and i. a trust-building exercise every morning and night when he'd give me my shots. there was comic relief and there was love, pure and palpable. we weren't doing it the regular ol way, but we were making our babies! we loved it!

somewhere along the way things went wrong, as they are wont to do when we attempt to make plans. there were moments that brought us even closer together than we thought was possible. there was crushing failure, and the alarm and horror of the worst kind of loss. it wasn't even a choice whether to come back and write. it was something i simply needed to do, and it has helped me immeasurably.

if you read this here today, or any day, i want to thank you. writing about it is helping me work through my anguish. adding mine into the collective suckiness of so many stories is helping me to normalize, and accept the hand ive been dealt. the fact that others read and care is comforting and surprising, and encourages me to go on and work through this on most days when all i feel like doing is stuffing my head in a pillow and ignoring the world.