oh yes,

piss off, 2011. and do it quickly. 

i won't recant the year because i'd probably need to be checked into some sort of facility afterwards. i will say that 2011 was a defining year in my life, and unfortunately, for us and those who know us, it will always be remembered as the year when things went from bad to worse. 

worse, people.

but you know what that means, right? it will get better, because it has to! it has already started to be a lovely lead in to the new year with christmas and our anniversary, despite almost everyone we know getting/being sick, including us. A entered me in a drawing for molly bears, to get a "front of the line pass" and i won! i need to get them my info this weekend.

it has been very hard for me to keep from writing here lately. i have considered starting a new blog, leaving this one as a testament to a, j, b & t, the cutest little babies i ever did see. it's hard because wanting to write has to be in a way separate from all of the emotion about the babies. i just want to log on and write: for how i'm feeling, see years 2009-2011. i can't put the same kind of emotional energy into it. im not only getting to know grief anymore, it has moved in and i am sure is here to stay. i have a lot of the same feelings, but now it is easier to deal with them with a momentary cry or pity party and move the eff on. otherwise, as referenced above, im not sure i could function on a daily or independent basis. i am grieving but i am also working so hard to live a great life at the same time. i both need and strive to find the happiness in every moment. it is a choice to greet each day with positivity, and i can't tell you how hard it is some days. but i will continue to do it, until it is no longer a choice. in the new year, i plan to write more, so i need to decide if that will be here or somewhere else.

some of you will remember my hairdresser, (and forgive me for not linking with tears in my eyes. there are posts here that mention how she lost her little one to sids) well, i haven't been able to go and see her yet. b & t were born in june and i haven't been back to her. i could not take her call when i lost the babies. we cry almost every time we get together anyway, which was cathartic then. what would it be now?  i don't even know how i can keep my composure to speak to her because when i think of us together and me telling her about what happened, i break down every time. but i miss her, and i know that as hard as it will be for me, and maybe her, i need to see her soon. must gather strength.

i hope everyone is well, sending wishes for a safe holiday and an amazing new year!

fluctuating

so my state of mind has been mostly pleasant, peppered with the unavoidable lightening bolts of pain and some pouty moments thrown in for good measure. mostly, though? ive been busy. blissfully busy. by the end of the day my brain is too mushy to think. it's wonderful.

can you have pre-traumatic stress? because i am worried about how ill be on christmas. thanksgiving was tough this year. overall it was a good and happy day, most are! but there are 2 more we expected here this year and again here we sit, empty handed.
anyway, ive found that overall the more I dread a date, the better the day turns out to be. im hoping this is the case because I need a little holiday this year!

we haven't done too much to the house this week as T was sick, and the next couple steps are things he has to do. can't wait to get back into it this weekend.

thanks for hanging in here with me. i wish i could be more present here and on other's posts as well but i am still in the brain sludge period of grief, gosh it's taken me ten minutes to write this paragraph because i don't know how to explain it. it's all too emotional for me to get involved, good or bad stories. i just feel like i have enough of every kind of emotion right now, if that makes sense. i don't have the capacity for any more sadness, that's for sure, and i don't have the energy to give the support for the happy or really follow anyone's story right now. makes me feel crappy but it is what it is. so thats where I am right now. but im happy 98% of the time and I'm keeping my head together, so something's working. i miss you guys though, and I try to check in when I can (twice this week!) ill be back full time in the new year im sure. 2012 holds many possibilities., right?

*5 months out

just put the blogger app on my phone in the hopes that will help me to update more.

T has been home for just a month tomorrow and it's been great. we have been working on the house. we finished the basement in the spring and I was pregnant so couldn't move anything into the new space. this project has sparked 87 more, as home improvements tend to do, and now we're changing every room. we're even taking down the crib and moving into the nursery, folks. more to come on this.

im still not ready to write much for b&t. looked at their perfect profiles on ultrasound yesterday for the first time in 6 months and it was excruciating. miss them so.

work has been my sanctuary for the past month, im always busy enough to turn my brain off when im there which is a good thing for me. sadly a coworker and his wife lost their twins this week. i feel terrible for them and at the same time feel like a bad omen. i know im being irrational by saying that but that's how it feels. i could not be more disgusted at the level of unfairness in the world. i don't want anyone else to know this anguish. it's all just too much. we surrender.

tomorrow will be thanksgiving and if you celebrate I hope your day is full of warmth and laughter. be thankful for each sweet moment, live in them. sometimes they're all we get.

T and me

my husband is sleeping quietly next to me on fresh flannel sheets. he has been telling me how awesome i smell all evening-first time around a girl in a while :) i smiled when i saw him but cried when he held me. it has been rough for us, these past two years. that was a huge understatement im just too tired to fix. it's true, we haven't exactly been on an upswing. i like to think all we've lived through together has made us be more gentle with each other. i am really looking forward to our time together. i love him so. and he's here. finally. 

ive been hard on myself about not writing, here or otherwise. it's how i check in with myself, how i always have. things are just so different now that some days, really, the last thing i want to do is check in and see how im feeling. emotionally, the days have been tear free and acceptance has been rearing its nearly insufferable head. i know i should welcome it, but it just doesn't feel right if i don't use all my extra energy to rail against it.

truth is, i don't and haven't had time for much at all. the summer started with the failure of the cervix of doom and just kinda continued to fall apart from there on out. today, ive been fever free for two weeks straight. i am just starting to shake the shocks of fear i felt going to sleep each night wondering if the next morning held another ambulance ride. my body and mind have been on high alert for so long i don't even flinch at bad news anymore. i expect it. i hope i haven't seemed too hardened to those who have told me anything requiring empathy in the past few months. i certainly haven't had any for anyone but myself. im okay with being selfish right now, i need to get better. i am trying all sorts of things to get 'there' and to protect my body (and my heart) in the future. 

pregnancy? don't want to think about it. don't really even want to talk about it (unless you want to talk about my babies and how freaking adorable i was when preg with them, then im game). im kind of at the point now where im accepting that whole situation too, i mean ive never been one to be too resentful or jealous of fertile people. i know so many people who struggle with infertility do, but im way too self involved to worry about what others are doing most of the time. also, im a realist, i know that even if you are a fertile person it doesn't mean your life is all fucking chocolate bars and cocaine. we all deal with shit. and this body? is my shit. ive had a long while to get used to its limitations. i expect it to fail and miserably with any attempt at normalcy. i think building my faith back up in my body is something that will be an ongoing project for an unforeseen amount of time. 

i finally went back to work yesterday. thank goodness my brain works as well as it does. im surprising myself that evern with grief brain im doing so well. i love my job because most days i learn something new. like today i learned about atelectasis, HAART and what criterion is used to determine when one has gone from being a person who is hiv+ to a person with aids. im sure i learned more, but these were the interesting parts, to me anyway. 

right now i am concentrating on what makes me happy. gathering tidbits of information: yes, spending time with my husband who just got home today: YES!, getting said husband to take me to all the museum exhibits i want to see and going wherever he wants in return: yes yes yes please. talk of ivf, pregnancy: nope. adoption? okay im listening, but anything concerning this body or this uterus? you lost me.

right now, im just so freaking sick of talking about my vagina you guys. ive had enough. i keep telling myself there will be a day when it all doesn't matter anymore. for the time being, and for my sanity, im just going to pretend that's now. 

revelation

im sitting on the bed, after a shower. it's a beautiful day and the breeze smells perfect. it smells like berries, which is odd for nj. it's enchanting. im present in my skin for just a moment and i realize...

they were everything to me and T, the answer to our hopes and truly, even early on, the fruits of our labors. 

we wished for them and they came true.

(sort of)

i mean, we all know that a + pregnancy test doesn't = take home children. we all know how it went down the first time. this time, i did my best to live in the moment, not take anything for granted, move deliberately through my pregnant days. i did a fucking great job. i have never in my life been less impatient. worried? yes. stressed? at times. but never impatient. i loved every second of that pregnancy. it helped not to be sick, to feel healthy and bounce out of bed every morning. it helped to try and believe. 

but here's the rub: i never truly believed i would get to take bay.li and thom.as home. how could i? i recall writing that if i only got to mother them in the womb, it would have to be enough. somewhere, deep inside of me was always the clear knowledge that they weren't mine to keep either. i was theirs though. 

oh, i am theirs.

while savoring the fall air yesterday, on my babes' due date, i tried to remember them and how it felt when i was pregnant with them and i couldn't. i conjured up image after image of my belly, my maternity clothes, coworkers and family members faces as they marveled at me. i can remember the picture proof that i was pregnant, but i just can't remember them being a part of it. 

i can't remember me being a part of it.

so im thinking it's denial. if even my body's memory won't admit that they were here, maybe my heart won't have to miss them. or something. maybe if the pregnancy seems like a dream, we won't have to mourn it being gone.

naturally that isn't quite it. im not there yet, but im getting closer.

with ayl.a and julie.t, loss was just something that happened in other pregnancies, to a friend of a friend, loss was a sad, distant story. it was never a possibility until it was our story and they were gone. i still remember relenting to the pain. gosh, i don't believe i've ever conceded to anything that quickly in my entire life. i had no recourse. there was no question that i was weaker opponent.

yesterday's reflection has brought me here, to a place of somewhat clearer understanding.

this time isn't the same. this time i am a worthy adversary. i don't laugh in the face of grief, no, the amount of respect i hold for it is baffling. see, i have worked hard in these past two years to build myself up, to honor those beautiful girls and to prove, to me and everyone else that i have what it takes to move forward. a second loss does not negate anything that i have done before. all that i learned about myself after a & j is exactly what i needed to know to be able to cope with losing b & t. all that hard work has been, sadly, useful.

i haven't nearly worked this out to the point where i feel comfortable with it, but i sure feel a lot better now that i almost understand what's going on in my heart. i'd be lying if i said i didn't feel a little bit lighter now. 

i'll still be the first to remind you how lucky i am, of how i would never choose not having them at all over losing them. some won't understand that statement, but the true romantics (and the parents) will. how could i ever forsake the indescribable love and bewilderment that came with meeting my children? not even death can break our connection and i couldn't wish them uncreated.

not even for their mother's peace.

********
eta: thank you to my sweet friend holly, who went out of her way to ensure that our babies were remembered on oct 15th. to hear their names out loud brings me so much joy.

stuck

as always, i've been super reflective lately. no, not in the glow-in-the-dark way, though im sure the contrast (read: radiation) from the 3 cat scans ive had in the past 3 weeks is going to aid me in surviving the nuclear holocaust.

oh, it's coming.
are you prepared?

but back to reflecting. im sure it's something you do too, especially if you are a fellow social media user. you re-read your blog posts, check your FB wall, make sure there are no typos in your tweets (or is this just me? typos are second only to the foley catheter as my mortal enemy). you ensure that what you are sharing is an accurate snapshot of yourself, your personality.

herein lies my problem, where this blog is concerned.

i grieved my girls here, out loud, daily. some of you were here then. some of you remember. i read the posts i wrote for my girls and i swell with pride. i am proud of how i was able to so beautifully and properly convey what living through a loss of that magnitude feels like. my words came as easily and quick as the hot tears that fell. those posts just poured out of me.

i went back and read some of them last night. what a legacy their mother has created for them. any reader would realize just how important they were, how cherished, how wanted. then, i sit and i looked at the entries ive written since b & t and i don't feel they've been given the same observance. i just can't bring myself to go to those places again. i read the entries for a & j and nod my head, wipe my tears, but i can't write them for b & t.

guilt.

a mother's guilt, as the one thing i should be more than able to do is tell the world how i cherished those perfect creatures, and what losing them has done to me.

but i can't.

maybe it's a fear of acknowledging how broken i really am, or of getting mired down in the other place again, the one that makes real life look like a bad dream. all i know is when i was approaching a & j's due date i was working towards resolution. i was marking the day and seeing a moving on point. b & t's due date is october 17. i haven't moved within my grief for them. i cannot write for them. its just such a shame that their lives were just that. all that they were to me means nothing to the world at large, because i can't even explain what they were to me. i don't even know where to start.

and so the reflecting continues. until i come unstuck.

super febrile

well im home from another week in the hospital.

last thursday i woke up with another 104* temp and as instructed, went back to dr davis' hospital. i shivered, i cried when people touched me, my eyes, they burned. i went up and down throughout the day, my body laughing at tylenol's feeble attempts. it was second verse, same as the first with CT scan, blood cultures, CXR.

exhausting.

they found no reason for my fever, or for those of you in the know i had a FUO. i had to actually tell 2 nurses what that meant when they were trying to read it off my chart. i found this hilarious. them, notsomuch.

well no reason except for whatever was growing in my ovary, so saturday they cut into me again, right back into the nearly-healed incision from a month ago and they removed the cyst. they also removed some more adhesions. i was taken off of iv antibiotics on monday and fluids yesterday. i have been feverless since monday but i keep freaking out and taking my temp if i feel the slightest bit warm or cold. im praying they fixed the problem because as ive said before, i just want to go back to work. 

i could go on and on about the virtual parade of doctors who have seen me and the tests that have been done, but i don't have the energy right now. im holding on to the knowledge that even though some things are super screwed up, others aren't so bad. i still need to have a colonoscopy and follow up with doctor d (my RE, different from dr davis) to see how lefty fared.

right now i just want to sleep. and dream of a fever-less future.